Introducing the Brown-Skinned, Anti-Capitalist, Free Healthcare Preacher Conservatives Pretend Isn’t in the Bible

Christian nationalism hypocrisy has become its own religion. A religion where Jesus votes red, carries a rifle, and quotes Ayn Rand. But if you actually open the Bible (brace yourself), the real Jesus looks nothing like this GOP mascot. He was a brown-skinned, anti-capitalist, free healthcare-preaching radical who’d be kicked out of most church lobbies today.

Let’s get this straight: Jesus was a poor, homeless Middle Eastern Jewish preacher who hung out with sex workers, tax cheats, and lepers. He preached nonviolence, hated wealth hoarding, and told rich people to go screw themselves (biblically, of course).

So why do so many MAGA-loving, prosperity-gospel-pushing Christians act like Jesus would’ve been at CPAC handing out bootstraps and tax cuts?

Because the real Jesus makes them deeply uncomfortable. And they’d absolutely crucify him again—right after calling him a Marxist on Newsmax.

📘 The Communist Manifesto

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📜 The U.S. Constitution

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The Sermon on the Hill of Tax Breaks

Let’s start with Matthew 19:24: "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."

That’s not Marx. That’s Jesus, roasting billionaires before it was cool.

But wait—don’t modern conservatives also love this guy? Sure, but only when he's been whitewashed, sanitized, and made into a motivational speaker who hates gays and loves capitalism. You know, the Jesus of Hobby Lobby wall art. At the heart of Christian nationalism hypocrisy is the fantasy that Jesus was pro-empire and pro-gun. In contrast the gospels scream the opposite.

Real Jesus flipped tables in a temple. GOP Jesus flips tax rates for the wealthy.

Healed People for Free. What a Communist.

Matthew 10:8 – “Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse those who have leprosy… Freely you have received; freely give.”

Jesus was literally out here doing universal healthcare with zero copay and no insurance billing codes. No Blue Cross. No networks. Just touch-and-heal.

Meanwhile, Christian politicians are over here trying to cut Medicaid while praising a man who would’ve been running a mobile clinic in the streets of Galilee.

Imagine pitching Medicare for All and someone replies, “That sounds like something Jesus would do.” You’d get laughed out of Congress.

Food Stamps? Jesus Did Bread Multiplication

Jesus didn’t just feed the hungry—he insisted his followers do the same. That whole "give us this day our daily bread" bit? Not theoretical. He was baking socialism straight into the Lord’s Prayer.

Mark 6:41-44 – Five loaves, two fish, fed a crowd of thousands. No means testing. No IDs. No proof of hardship.

Conservatives today: "You shouldn’t get food unless you work." Jesus: Feeds everyone with leftovers and doesn’t even ask for a resume.

If he pulled that stunt today, Republicans would accuse him of creating dependency and demand a budget audit of the miracle.

Homeless, Anti-War, and Brown. So Basically Unelectable.

Matthew 8:20 – “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.”

Jesus was literally homeless. He was anti-war ("blessed are the peacemakers") and preached against violence and empire.

So why do modern evangelicals wrap the Prince of Peace in camo and drop him into every military recruitment ad? Because cognitive dissonance is cheaper than deconstructing bad theology.

This is the most ironic part of Christian nationalism hypocrisy—idolizing a man who literally told people to give everything away, embrace your neighbors and peace.

And let’s be clear: Jesus wasn’t white. He looked like the guy Fox News warns you about. Which is probably why he’d get “randomly” searched at every airport between Bethlehem and Birmingham.

Final Blessing (of the Sarcastic Variety)

If Jesus walked into a modern evangelical church, they’d call security. If he ran for office, they’d call him a socialist. If he handed out free healthcare and food, they’d call him a threat.

So yeah—Jesus was a dirty socialist. Fight me.

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Sacrilegious Discourse - Bible Study for Atheists

Husband and Wife are two non-believers who have always wanted to read the Bible. Why would we subject ourselves to this you might ask? From our perspective it helps us understand where the Christians around us, here in the Midwest, are coming from when they quote the Bible at us. Husband is basically an Atheist and wife leans Agnostic but mostly Atheist and we’re just having some fun at the Bible’s expense while learning more about what our neighbors claim we’re going to hell over.

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