
Welcome to the Theocratic Thunderdome
Ah, the Bible. That sacred, untouchable tome filled with divine wisdom, moral instruction, and the occasional homicidal commandment to stone your own damn kids. If you've ever heard someone say, "The Bible is the foundation of our laws," congrats—you've just met someone who hasn't read the damn thing. Because if we actually based modern society on all the Bible's rules, we’d be living in a flaming dumpster of Bronze Age nightmares.
So buckle up, ye godless heathens. We're diving headfirst into the holy hot mess of ridiculous Bible laws. These are the ones your pastor doesn’t want you Googling—the ones that make Leviticus read like a fever dream from a goat-sacrificing acid trip.
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Touch Pork? Banned for Life!
Leviticus 11:8 – "You shall not eat of their flesh nor touch their carcasses; they are unclean to you."
So yeah, if you’ve ever enjoyed bacon, tossed a football, or shook hands with your BBQ pitmaster uncle, congrats—you’re spiritually filthy. Never mind that Jesus allegedly made all foods clean later. God had a whole damn chapter on pigs, because pork is apparently his personal hill to die on.
Stoning Your Kids: A Family Affair
Deuteronomy 21:18-21 – If your son is rebellious, drunk, and won't listen? Take him to the elders and stone him to death.
You read that right. Disobey your parents and boom, public execution. God said screw therapy—we’re going full rock concert. If every exasperated teenager warranted a stoning, America’d be a nation of orphans.
Fun fact: This law is never officially repealed in the Bible. So technically, it’s still on the books if you want to cosplay as a divine executioner. Just make sure your HOA doesn’t frown on bloodstains in the cul-de-sac.
Menstruation? Time to Hide, You Unclean Heathen
Leviticus 15:19-24 – A woman on her period is unclean for seven days. Anyone who touches her bed or sits where she sat? Also unclean. Time to burn the couch!
This law reads like it was written by a dude who’s never met a woman but is deeply afraid of their powers. Why does Yahweh need a whole sub-clause about menstrual bedding? Honestly, if God had spent less time micromanaging uterine cycles and more on, I dunno, condemning slavery, we’d all be better off.

Shellfish: Satan's Appetizer
Leviticus 11:10 – "Whatever is in the seas and in the rivers that does not have fins and scales... they shall be an abomination."
Shrimp, lobster, crab, clams—all are off-limits. Sorry, Red Lobster. You're apparently a portal to Hell.
What’s especially rich? Conservative evangelicals quoting Leviticus to bash LGBTQ+ folks, while munching on a shrimp cocktail during Bible study. Cherry-picking never tasted so deliciously ironic.
Mixed Fabrics: Hell by Polyester
Leviticus 19:19 – "Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material."
Oh no! Your cotton-poly blend hoodie just bought you a one-way ticket to the Lake of Fire. Good luck telling your church friends their choir robes are spiritual contraband.
Let’s be real: if God was so obsessed with fashion rules, maybe He should've dropped a verse on socks with sandals.
Bonus Round: The Petty, the Petulant, and the WTF
Here are a few extra hits from the divine comedy that is biblical law:
No tattoos (Leviticus 19:28) – Sorry, that "Jesus Loves Me" ink on your lower back is a sin.
No emasculated men in church (Deuteronomy 23:1) – If your junk’s been damaged, you're banned from God's house.
No working on Saturdays (Exodus 35:2) – Breaking the Sabbath means you die. That’s right, God’s a union rep who kills scabs.
Why It Matters (Beyond the Laughs)
Sure, it's fun to roast these absurd rules, but there's a serious point here too: people are still weaponizing this crap. From politicians citing Leviticus to justify hate, to school boards pushing biblical morality, these Bronze Age laws are being resurrected in terrifying modern ways.
We can’t just roll our eyes and meme our way out of theocracy. That’s why secular activism, organizations like Freedom From Religion Foundation, and godless podcasts like ours matter.
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Final Words from Your Apostate Tour Guide
The Bible is a hot mess of laws that range from the strangely specific to the flat-out sadistic. If God wanted to create a moral compass, he sure included a lot of detours through crazy town.
So next time someone tells you this book is "perfect," feel free to cite chapter and verse—preferably while wearing a shrimp-patterned poly-blend tank top.