Husband and Wife cover Genesis chapter 1:
The Creation; chapter 2: Man in the Garden of Eden; and chapter 3: Man's Disobedience.
Things that are right out: Alaska, Evolution, and Womans. Early inventions include shame, guilt, murdering an entire species, sewing, unicorns, and passing the buck. We question the need for gold in a 2-person garden.
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00:00 - Wife (Host)
husband yes, wife remember how I said let's read the Bible.
00:04 - Husband (Host)
Yeah, okay, so let's start what are we going over today?
00:08 - Wife (Host)
well, we're gonna read from front to finish, and it starts with the book of Genesis, and so we're gonna start with chapters one, two and three of Genesis also like in the beginning yeah, that kind of thing and just for a note, we are reading the new living translation, which is abbreviated nlt, for anybody who cares about such things, because I'm not doing the King James thing.
00:37 - Husband (Host)
I don't even know what any that means, but okay, let's do this sounds great.
00:41 - Wife (Host)
Okay, so we are starting with chapter one of Genesis and it's subtitled the creation. Okay, in the beginning, god created the heavens and the earth. I always wondered the earth was formless and empty, and darkness covered the deep waters like a boring ass place well, and I know from previous readings that he creates the waters later. So, like how is it covered with darkness and waters that haven't been created yet?
I don't know, it's just because there's no still more here the spirit of God was hovering over the surfaces of the waters that he had created.
01:20 - Husband (Host)
Yet why was he hovering, like I know?
01:23 - Wife (Host)
he was bored okay then God said, hey, let there be light. And there was light, and God saw that the light was good light to show all the desolate boringness that he hadn't created yet okay then he separated the light from the darkness. That was awfully cool of him so what happened?
01:43 - Husband (Host)
like okay, he separated the light from the darkness and he saw that it was good but he just created the light. So was there like a moment in time where the light was not separated and yeah, there was no light, it was all darkness and water okay, but then he. But then he created light, and then was it separated yeah, that's what he just separated.
02:03 - Wife (Host)
Okay, okay, sorry we're like four sentences in and you're already I know, I know. God called the light day and the darkness late, I mean night. That again, god called the light day and the darkness night and evening past and morning came, marking the first day it's good thing that he named them evening and morning, otherwise we'd be totally up shits Creek with these names except guess what what. I happen to know from reading ahead that he hadn't even separated day from night yet oh good grief.
Then God said let there be a space between the waters to separate the waters of the heavens from the waters of the earth.
02:43 - Husband (Host)
I mean the waters of the earth from the waters of the heaven. Yeah, I thought it was just like nothing up there except for gases. I didn't even gas as a sea. Is that what he was? Was he confused about what he was doing? He might not have had a really good plan okay all right, I think maybe the sky is just one big God fart that is really rude.
03:08 - Wife (Host)
And that is what happened. God made the space to separate the waters of the earth from the waters of the heavens. Repetitive much, god called the space sky and the evening past and morning came, marking the second day. Then God said let the waters beneath the sky flow together into one place, so dry ground may appear wait.
03:30 - Husband (Host)
If they flow together in one place, like physics would say that the water would have to rise because it was already there. So like, wouldn't it? I mean, how does that make their less water? I don't think he invented physics yet maybe he just drank some of the ocean water.
03:45 - Wife (Host)
I mean he is God.
03:46 - Husband (Host)
I mean, they didn't say that though they just said he moved it so like I don't know if I move water into a smaller space it rises, so like that doesn't bode well for the people living near that water, because it's like oh yeah, shit okay and that is what happened.
04:02 - Wife (Host)
God called the dry ground land and the waters seas, and God saw that it was good. Then God said let the land sprout with vegetation, every sort of seed-bearing plant and trees that grow seed-bearing fruit. These seeds will then produce the kinds of plants and trees from which they came how do you suppose he knew what vegetation and trees were? And that is what happened has he done this before?
04:28 - Husband (Host)
or was this like, just like? He was just like sitting there thinking, yeah, I'm gonna make some me some vegetation and trees.
04:34 - Wife (Host)
I mean, who could know?
04:35 - Husband (Host)
because I want a good salad because he wanted to go to subway. I mean, maybe he's a vegan. He made the vegetation and trees first.
04:47 - Wife (Host)
So, my god, the land produced vegetation, all sorts of seed-bearing plants and trees with seed-bearing fruit. Their seeds produced plants and trees of the same kind and God saw that it was good. I mean, this is really repetitive. He's like I'm gonna make a thing and then he makes it, and then he's like I made a thing yeah, yeah and evening past, and morning came, marking the third day.
Then God said let lights appear in the sky to separate the day from the night. See, that's what I'm saying. Even separate it, like on the fourth day. We're on the fourth day, on the fourth day separate it.
05:20 - Husband (Host)
But he said you separated it on the first day. I know they're really confused. Were they high when they wrote this shit? Um, I think they needed a really good editor okay, let them only like three paragraphs in maybe, I don't know how many paragraphs in a week.
05:34 - Wife (Host)
I didn't. There's just like the first paragraph.
05:36 - Husband (Host)
We're on verse 14 okay, 14 verses, and they already screwed up.
05:41 - Wife (Host)
I mean, who knows? Whatever I was God's word, he's not very but it was written by man right, okay so I mean, maybe God was like all and their man was like it's typical of wait what did he say?
05:59 - Husband (Host)
yeah, when did he separate the light from the dark? This typical. I don't know, just writing a couple of times, we'll get it right on one of them yeah, yeah, okay.
06:08 - Wife (Host)
Thank God said let lights appear in the sky to separate the day from the night, let them be signs to mark the seasons, days and years. Let these lights in the sky shine down on the earth. And that is what happened. I'm glad we have stars yay it gets really interesting from here, because apparently the Sun is not a star question mark okay. God made two great lights, the larger one to govern the day. Sun the Sun, which is apparently not a star right, and the smaller one to govern the night the moon that could be.
Yes, he also made the stars again, of which the Sun is not one, apparently right, because it was just the light it's just the light. It's the light. Yeah, god set these lights in the sky to light the earth, to govern the day and night and to separate the light from the darkness. I'm glad he separated it and God saw that it was good so that was good. I mean, I think it's good, but what do I know?
07:05 - Husband (Host)
right. I mean it would be bad if it was dark all the time or light all the time.
07:09 - Wife (Host)
That would suck well, if it was dark all the time, that would be a vampire movie, and if it was dark all the time, that would be a zombie movie but I mean hypothetically if you live in Alaska.
07:17 - Husband (Host)
He didn't really separate the day from the night up there we don't talk about that okay, and evening past and morning came, marking the fourth day.
07:26 - Wife (Host)
Then God said let the water swarm with fish and other life, let the skies be filled with birds of every kind. So I mean really, he created the birds before he created any of the other animals what were the fish eating? They there weren't fish yet, because they just say for created fish hold on was a birds and fish, I thought no, oh no, you're right, he did yeah he's one of the fishes and the birds. They ate each other they okay.
07:57 - Husband (Host)
So the fish jumped out of the water to eat the birds there are flying fish that is true they ate each other.
08:04 - Wife (Host)
That's all I can believe. Or the biggest fish ate the littlest fish, and then the littlest fish were the flyers that ate the birds got it and the birds ate also of the littlest fish well, maybe he makes food from later so God created great sea creatures and every living thing that scurries and swarms in the water, and every sort of bird, each producing offspring of the same kind, and God saw that it was good.
I mean, it would be really weird for, like, a bird to give birth to an octopus. So I'm right, but I mean like I'm glad that he made the birds give birth only to the birds.
08:42 - Husband (Host)
Technically though, evolution happened. I mean, you know, we can prove that scientifically.
08:47 - Wife (Host)
We don't talk about that, okay.
08:50 - Husband (Host)
So technically they're not exactly the same.
08:52 - Wife (Host)
No. I mean, I'm just saying no, but we don't talk about that. Well, you're, you're saying Bible.
08:58 - Husband (Host)
people don't talk about it, we talk about it.
09:01 - Wife (Host)
Yeah, but I mean, when we're talking about the Bible, automatically we don't talk about Alaska or evolution. So Alaska and evolution are right out we should make a list of things that are right out. Thank God, bless them, saying be fruitful and multiply. Let the fish fill the seas and let the birds multiply on the earth. And evening past and morning came, marking the fifth day.
09:24 - Husband (Host)
Do you think that they understood him when he said be fruitful and multiply? I guess it is God's word, so maybe God can talk to all the living things.
09:31 - Wife (Host)
I mean, sometimes our cat understands this when we talk to her.
09:34 - Husband (Host)
Yeah, that's true.
09:35 - Wife (Host)
So, who knows? Then God said let the earth produce every sort of animal, each producing offspring of the same kind livestock, small animals that scurry along the ground and wild animals.
09:48 - Husband (Host)
09:50 - Wife (Host)
I know like livestock intrinsically means like animals that belong to man. So he created animals that long to know he didn't create animals.
09:58 - Husband (Host)
He created livestock. According to the Bible, he created livestock before he created man. Yeah, okay, I'm just checking to make sure I got that right.
10:06 - Wife (Host)
Yeah, Okay, yeah, you did, you got it, I got it, and that is what happened. God made all sorts of wild animals, livestock and small animals, each able to produce offspring of the same kind, so we don't have birds giving birth to octopi, and God saw that it was good.
10:23 - Husband (Host)
10:24 - Wife (Host)
So then God said let us make human beings in our image to be like us.
10:29 - Husband (Host)
10:30 - Wife (Host)
Um, I'm guessing that he means the royal. We or remember we had a pastor one time.
10:36 - Husband (Host)
There's like the sun, the ghost and the Holy Spirit or something like that.
10:39 - Wife (Host)
Okay, there's that the. Trinity is called the Holy Trinity, and then we had a pastor one time we had a pastor one time that talked about how God had a man face on one side and a woman face on the other side and that's what he meant when he made man in his image. But I mean, that sounds so weird and I've never read anything like that in the Bible Not that I've read a lot of the Bible.
11:03 - Husband (Host)
So like I'm on that part later, Um, okay. I don't know.
11:07 - Wife (Host)
I, I don't know either.
11:09 - Husband (Host)
That's why we're reading this. Sure yeah.
11:12 - Wife (Host)
Then God said let us make human beings in our image to be like us. They will rain over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, the livestock, all the wild animals on the earth and the small animals that scurry along the ground.
11:24 - Husband (Host)
Thank God, we finally got somebody for that livestock to rule them. I probably shouldn't have said thank God, but I mean technically that's correct. I guess I mean technically yeah.
11:34 - Wife (Host)
So God created human beings in his own image. I like how he's either like the royal we or totally a man.
11:41 - Husband (Host)
11:42 - Wife (Host)
Definitely not a woman.
11:43 - Husband (Host)
Yeah, oh yeah, or a triangle Woman is right out.
11:46 - Wife (Host)
Woman is right out, yeah. So we've got Alaska, we've got evolution and we've got woman Right and those are all right out.
11:54 - Husband (Host)
11:56 - Wife (Host)
In the image of God. He created them male and female. He created them except he hasn't made a woman yet. Then God blessed them and said be fruitful and multiply, fill the earth and govern it, Rain over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky and all the animals that scurry along the ground. So everybody has male and female, except for humans. Right now it's just man's.
12:19 - Husband (Host)
But they're alluding to the fact that there's going to be a female.
12:21 - Wife (Host)
Right, but as of this, whatever day six or whatever, there's not a woman. There's not a woman, because women's are right out.
12:28 - Husband (Host)
Right, but we're in charge of everything, apparently.
12:32 - Wife (Host)
You better not even try that shit on me.
12:35 - Husband (Host)
Oh, he's just saying human beings were in charge of everything. He said human beings were in charge of everything and you know clearly he meant all the men I think we get to the part where the men are in charge later. But we'll cover that.
12:45 - Wife (Host)
But clearly, he meant all the man's.
12:47 - Husband (Host)
Well, yeah, because we're awesome.
12:49 - Wife (Host)
You cannot even find the butter in the fridge.
12:52 - Husband (Host)
I don't want to hear it.
12:54 - Wife (Host)
Then God said look, he said it just like that too.
12:58 - Husband (Host)
12:59 - Wife (Host)
I have given you every seed bearing plant throughout the earth and all the fruit trees for your food, and I have given every green plant is food for all the wild animals, the birds in the sky and the small animals that scurry along the ground, everything that has life. And that is what happened. Then God looked over all he had made and he saw that it was very good, and evening, past the morning, came, marking the sixth day.
13:22 - Husband (Host)
That was the sixth day.
13:23 - Wife (Host)
Yep. That was the end of chapter one. Okay, okay, so Genesis chapter two ready.
13:35 - Husband (Host)
I am ready.
13:36 - Wife (Host)
So the creation of the heavens and the earth was everything in them, completed on the seventh day, god had finished his work of creation, so he rested from all his work.
13:46 - Husband (Host)
So you're telling me, god didn't invent skyscrapers?
13:49 - Wife (Host)
No, but he probably cracked a beer. That good day, I can tell you he didn't invent sports. And we're not there yet.
13:55 - Husband (Host)
I know, but it's Sunday.
13:57 - Wife (Host)
We're not. No, actually, if you want to get the seventh day, sorry, Saturday, I'm sorry, oh the. Jews celebrate Saturday as the holy day, as the seventh day, and they have it right, I mean, if we say that the week begins on a Sunday right, right.
14:11 - Husband (Host)
Saturday is the seventh day. Some people start the week on Mondays.
14:14 - Wife (Host)
They do. Those people are weird.
14:17 - Husband (Host)
14:17 - Wife (Host)
They are like really into productivity. On the seventh day? Oh yeah, he rested blah, blah blah and God blessed the seventh day and declared it holy because it was the day when he rested from all his work of creation. So either Saturday or seven Saturday or Sunday is really, really holy.
14:36 - Husband (Host)
I got it.
14:37 - Wife (Host)
Man in the garden of Eden. Are you ready? Okay, this is the account of the creation of the heavens and the earth, the man and woman in Eden. When the Lord God made the earth and the heavens, neither wild plants nor grains were growing on the earth. So, okay, we're doing a rewind then.
14:55 - Husband (Host)
Yeah, apparently Like we're, we're only in chapter two and we're doing like a flashback.
14:59 - Wife (Host)
It's a flashback. It's totally a flashback because he's going back to like day. What? Five or something like that. Yeah, so God had not yet sent rain to water the earth and there were no people to cultivate the soil.
15:13 - Husband (Host)
Hold on, he made man, he invented snow because he mentioned rain but not snow.
15:19 - Wife (Host)
I don't know, but I have bigger fish to fry. Because he's saying that he had not yet sent rain to water the earth. So there's no rain and water, but yet he did make those before he made man. Right, I mean, you know your plants wouldn't completely die in just like a day or two but he made all these plants and he made all this water and then he made man last. But now he's saying just kidding.
15:48 - Husband (Host)
Oh, you see what I'm saying. Timeline just screwed up.
15:50 - Wife (Host)
Yeah, like this chronology is crack yeah. Okay, instead, springs came up from the ground and watered all the land. Oh, maybe I was wrong. Okay, so the Lord, god, formed the man from the dust of the ground.
16:06 - Husband (Host)
Okay, I thought we were like 90% water.
16:09 - Wife (Host)
I don't know.
16:10 - Husband (Host)
Apparently, we're made of dust too.
16:12 - Wife (Host)
I'm really confused in all this. I gotta be honest, this isn't making a lot of sense, right? He breathed the breath of life into the man's nostrils and the man became living person. Do you feel alive when I breathe, dorito breath, on your face? Then the Lord, god, planted a garden in Eden, in the east, and there he placed the man he had made. I see where this is going.
16:40 - Husband (Host)
So I see this goes well with my theory that he's a vegan because he planted the garden. That was like one of the first things he did after creating all the things I mean really, we don't require. Hey, darling, your Dr Pepper's done.
16:56 - Wife (Host)
Alexa, stop. I put Alex, no, I put Dr Pepper in the freezer and then I put a timer on to tell me when I should take.
17:07 - Husband (Host)
Yeah, let's get back to the Bible.
17:08 - Wife (Host)
The Dr Pepper out of the freezer, Okay, so anyway, I was saying that veganism is actually a good lifestyle choice because we don't specifically require meat. So protein yes, meat no. So I can see that.
17:26 - Husband (Host)
17:28 - Wife (Host)
I don't. I don't oppose that.
17:30 - Husband (Host)
17:31 - Wife (Host)
The Lord, god, made all sorts of trees grow up from the ground, trees that were beautiful and that produce delicious fruit. In the middle of the garden, he placed the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge, of good and evil. This just I see where this is going, and it's already taken because we already know some of this is pretty common knowledge. What did he put on there?
17:52 - Husband (Host)
He's an asshole. That's what I think.
17:54 - Wife (Host)
Okay, I just I know where it's going. It's making me very angry.
17:58 - Husband (Host)
17:59 - Wife (Host)
A river flowed from the land of Eden, watering the garden and then dividing into four branches. The first branch, called the Pishon, flowed around the entire land of Havilla.
18:11 - Husband (Host)
We're definitely gonna have to forgive us if we pronounce these wrong.
18:14 - Wife (Host)
Yeah, we're gold as found. I don't. I don't know how to pronounce stuff, but what I want to know is okay, so gold was found there. Why is that noteworthy? Because, let's be honest.
18:23 - Husband (Host)
Right. Why would gold that doesn't matter, not right now. Why?
18:27 - Wife (Host)
is gold specifically better than any other rock or metal found in the ground.
18:31 - Husband (Host)
18:31 - Wife (Host)
To early man.
18:32 - Husband (Host)
Yeah, that's dumb.
18:33 - Wife (Host)
The man that just had God's breath breathed up into his nose.
18:36 - Husband (Host)
Right, they haven't even invented tools yet.
18:38 - Wife (Host)
18:39 - Husband (Host)
Which they would need, you know, to get the gold.
18:42 - Wife (Host)
And then societies care about gold for trade.
18:45 - Husband (Host)
But there's not really in any intrinsic worth in it.
18:48 - Wife (Host)
Well, and let's let's talk about trade. Like what do they need to trade? The ground provides everything for them.
18:54 - Husband (Host)
Right, right. So why would you need gold? They're in Eden. It's like he's preparing for them to screw up and be dumb.
19:01 - Wife (Host)
19:02 - Husband (Host)
19:02 - Wife (Host)
That's mean yeah, god is mean yeah, so niceness right out.
19:07 - Husband (Host)
Like, if you didn't want them to screw up, why would you provide them every opportunity to screw up?
19:12 - Wife (Host)
Right Pandora's box much.
19:14 - Husband (Host)
19:16 - Wife (Host)
Yeah, the gold of that land is exceptionally pure.
19:20 - Husband (Host)
19:21 - Wife (Host)
Again, doesn't matter to me. Aromatic resin and onyx stone are also found there.
19:27 - Husband (Host)
What is aromatic resin?
19:28 - Wife (Host)
It is resin that smells really, really good. The second branch, called the Geon, float around the entire land of Kush.
19:39 - Husband (Host)
19:40 - Wife (Host)
The third branch, called the Tigris.
19:42 - Husband (Host)
I know that one.
19:43 - Wife (Host)
Float east of the land of Asher, asher, asher.
19:53 - Husband (Host)
19:53 - Wife (Host)
That's what I said. That's awesome. Ask her I love it. The fourth branch is called the Euphrates.
19:58 - Husband (Host)
I know that one too. Okay, so we've got the Tigris and the Euphrates, and I know there's a fertile crescent over there.
20:07 - Wife (Host)
That's where the Eden is, the Garden of Eden.
20:09 - Husband (Host)
Yeah, totally go visit.
20:11 - Wife (Host)
I bet it's not there anymore.
20:12 - Husband (Host)
20:14 - Wife (Host)
The Lord, god, placed the man in the Garden of Eden to tend and watch over it. Do you think that watch over it means don't fuck it up?
20:21 - Husband (Host)
I don't know. I mean, if you wanted a really good salad all the time, then maybe that's why I put in there, so you could get a really good salad.
20:27 - Wife (Host)
Okay. But if he says just watch it, that means just like sit on his front porch and be like that cool, that cool. But if he's watching over it, then he's like don't do that.
20:37 - Husband (Host)
But it would also imply that something could go wrong in this perfect Garden of Eden.
20:44 - Wife (Host)
Don't let those voles build hills and tunnels in that backyard Eden.
20:49 - Husband (Host)
Right, right. Is he going to like, yeah, what's going to go wrong? I?
20:53 - Wife (Host)
don't know, it's not very Eden-ish.
20:55 - Husband (Host)
20:57 - Wife (Host)
But the Lord. God warned him. You may freely eat the fruit of every tree in the Garden, except the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. If you eat its fruit, you are sure to die, that's dumb.
21:10 - Husband (Host)
Why would you put something that's going to kill him?
21:11 - Wife (Host)
I'm God, I'm going to, on purpose, drop up a poison bomb in the middle of this Garden, just to see if you do it or not.
21:19 - Husband (Host)
Right, yeah, that's stupid.
21:21 - Wife (Host)
That's like if I bring home a bag of sweet tart ropes and I'm like Abby, you can have everything in this house, but don't touch those sweet tart ropes, Because they're going to kill you. Do you think that she will avoid the sweet tart ropes?
21:35 - Husband (Host)
Well, if we said they're going to kill her, then yeah, except that she loves-. Unless she thought we were joking.
21:40 - Wife (Host)
But she loves sweet tart ropes and it matters whether she thinks we're joking or not, you know what? What was God's tone of voice when he said it?
21:47 - Husband (Host)
I don't know that matters, that matters, it really does. Context.
21:51 - Wife (Host)
Yeah. Then the Lord, god, said it is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.
21:58 - Husband (Host)
Wait, what day are we at right now?
22:01 - Wife (Host)
We passed all the days and now we're like doing our flashback.
22:05 - Husband (Host)
Okay, all right.
22:07 - Wife (Host)
So the Lord, god, formed from the ground all the wild animals and all the birds of the sky. So, whatever day that was I don't remember Five or six- Got it. He brought them to the man to see what he would call them, and the man chose a name for each one. He gave names to all the livestock. But wait, I thought he made those animals, the birds and the sea and whatever, before man. But now he's saying he made man and then he made the fishes and the birds.
22:33 - Husband (Host)
Now he's saying he brought them to him, isn't he?
22:35 - Wife (Host)
No, he said so. The Lord God formed from the ground all the wild animals and all the birds of the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would call them.
22:44 - Husband (Host)
He doesn't say what day, he just says that he did that.
22:46 - Wife (Host)
It's rather misleading.
22:48 - Husband (Host)
Well, but I have to ask though, because there's still scientists out there discovering new species every day Did Adam name all of these species that are still being done, because it seems like a really tedious project to name all of the bugs.
23:02 - Wife (Host)
Like there's millions of them.
23:03 - Husband (Host)
There's millions of them. You'd be there for like.
23:05 - Wife (Host)
Wait, no, god did not invent bugs yet.
23:07 - Husband (Host)
Oh, he didn't.
23:08 - Wife (Host)
No, just animals and the fishes and the birds.
23:12 - Husband (Host)
Did he cover that later, like, did he cover making bugs later? No, I don't.
23:15 - Wife (Host)
I mean, I haven't read the Bible so I could be wrong, but I don't think he talks about bugs.
23:19 - Husband (Host)
Well, but you would have to assume that there's bugs at this point though.
23:22 - Wife (Host)
Well, why would you assume anything?
23:24 - Husband (Host)
Well, because he said he rested he was done on the seventh day. So that means he created everything that needs to be created. And if he created everything, that means he created bugs.
23:33 - Wife (Host)
I think you're making a lot of assumptions.
23:35 - Husband (Host)
I am because there's a lot of freaking holes in this shit.
23:37 - Wife (Host)
Well, there are a lot of holes. I will give you that. He, meaning dude, gave names to all the livestock.
23:45 - Husband (Host)
Dude meaning Adam.
23:47 - Wife (Host)
We haven't named him yet he's just a man.
23:49 - Husband (Host)
Okay, that guy, he's a dude, dude.
23:52 - Wife (Host)
Dude gave names to all the livestock, all the birds in the sky and all the wild animals, but still there was no helper. Just right for him. Oh man, he didn't want the horse, the man was so lonely and sad, so the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. Oh man, that's music plays. Well, the man slept. The Lord God took out one of the man's ribs and closed Jesus. Closed up the opening.
24:19 - Husband (Host)
Sorry, what an asshole. This took a dark turn, he probably shouldn't have taken his son's name in vain.
24:25 - Wife (Host)
Okay, but as we're reading the Bible, let me just reiterate that he took out one of the man's ribs and closed up the opening.
24:33 - Husband (Host)
That's a dick thing to do.
24:35 - Wife (Host)
How did he close it up?
24:37 - Husband (Host)
I don't know. It must be like God Lasik.
24:39 - Wife (Host)
God, Lasik yeah like.
24:39 - Husband (Host)
Lasik surgery Like they do in your eyes.
24:42 - Wife (Host)
Like so you don't think he just made a needle right quick out of all that gold maybe, or the smelly good onyx?
24:48 - Husband (Host)
I'm going with the God Lasik, though, because I mean dude didn't even wake up, like he's asleep, he fell asleep and he takes his freaking ribs out, or a rib out. I'm sorry.
24:59 - Wife (Host)
Whatever Back up with.
25:01 - Husband (Host)
Yeah, he's just like. It's like God, it's like Superman beams coming from God's eyes.
25:06 - Wife (Host)
Like zoop, zoop zoop, zoop.
25:08 - Husband (Host)
Yeah, totally done Like in and out.
25:10 - Wife (Host)
Then the Lord, god, made a woman from the rib and he brought her to the man. I see where this is going. I'm not happy. I'm not happy At last. The man exclaimed this one is bone from my bone and flesh from my flesh, boney.
25:29 - Husband (Host)
25:31 - Wife (Host)
I called wo man because she was taken from man.
25:35 - Husband (Host)
What does the wo mean, though?
25:37 - Wife (Host)
Wo unto you. This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife and the two are united into one.
25:47 - Husband (Host)
Is that what it explains?
25:48 - Wife (Host)
I don't think that explained any of that. Okay, I mean, I must have missed some comprehension.
25:54 - Husband (Host)
I think there was a bad poor lead up here to this.
25:56 - Wife (Host)
I think that there was like an entire paragraph, or maybe even chapter missing.
26:00 - Husband (Host)
26:01 - Wife (Host)
I mean all. The man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.
26:05 - Husband (Host)
It's like a porno back in, you know, early days.
26:08 - Wife (Host)
Well, yeah, but that's the end of chapter two. Okay, okay, so Genesis, chapter 3. Yay, it's subtitled Man's Disobedience.
26:26 - Husband (Host)
Damn man. Damn the man. Damn the man.
26:30 - Wife (Host)
26:32 - Husband (Host)
Serpents are assholes, although we just got a serpent, so I can't really call him an asshole.
26:37 - Wife (Host)
Is there a difference between serpents and snakes?
26:39 - Husband (Host)
I don't know.
26:41 - Wife (Host)
That is a good question, I think, because if serp like I know that there's such a thing as legless lizards, which are different from snakes, and I would never have known that.
26:50 - Husband (Host)
Right, except that I'm. I mean serpent to me is, like you know, with a harry potter serpent that comes and like attacks harry potter.
26:56 - Wife (Host)
But is it a serpent or is it a snake? I don't know. I don't either. The serpent was the shrewdest of all the wild animals. The Lord got it made One day. He asked the woman did God really say you must not eat the fruit from any of the trees in the garden?
27:12 - Husband (Host)
Sounds like he's angling for something here.
27:14 - Wife (Host)
I'm not thinking, you're right.
27:15 - Husband (Host)
I said he was shrewd, so it's pretty shrewd.
27:18 - Wife (Host)
What does he get out of it?
27:20 - Husband (Host)
I don't know. Okay To be shrewd.
27:23 - Wife (Host)
Of course we may eat fruit from the trees in the garden. The woman replied.
27:28 - Husband (Host)
Are you trying to do Eden's voice?
27:30 - Wife (Host)
Well, I want to separate from my voice, okay, because she's dumb.
27:34 - Husband (Host)
27:35 - Wife (Host)
It's only the fruit from the tree in the middle of the garden that we are not allowed to eat. God said you must not eat it or even touch it. If you do, you will die.
27:45 - Husband (Host)
Wait, you can't even touch it.
27:47 - Wife (Host)
Yeah, damn. Okay, let's be fair for a minute here. Did God actually tell her that or is she just repeating what Adam told her? Right?
27:56 - Husband (Host)
Because I only recall Adam being around when he told her. When he told him when he told when God told Adam yeah, Adam was the only one of them because it was before he took his damn rib out of his body.
28:06 - Wife (Host)
Yeah, so here's the thing. Like has Eve even met God yet, or is she like that Adam? He's always telling stories.
28:14 - Husband (Host)
Right and then like how trustworthy is a man?
28:17 - Wife (Host)
Not at all. I know men, even the men I love most in my life, are not all that good at repeating stories. You won't die, the serpent replied to the woman.
28:31 - Husband (Host)
How does he know?
28:33 - Wife (Host)
I have no idea. That's why I want to know.
28:36 - Husband (Host)
Trying to kill off God's creation? Or is he just like? Does he really know that it won't kill off?
28:40 - Wife (Host)
I mean honestly, I don't know. That's why I want to know the difference between a serpent and a snake, because all the snakes that I know do not talk.
28:49 - Husband (Host)
Okay, yeah, I mean me either. I don't know when he's talking snakes.
28:52 - Wife (Host)
So serpents are snakes that talk possibly. Narnia style.
28:57 - Husband (Host)
28:58 - Wife (Host)
Do you think animals used to talk?
29:00 - Husband (Host)
Maybe I mean God said that he told him to be fruitful and multiply, so like maybe he was talking to them, maybe they talked back then.
29:06 - Wife (Host)
But maybe he was like Harry Potter style telling them like like Slytherin.
29:11 - Wife (Host)
Yeah, like do things that I tell you Okay.
29:18 - Wife (Host)
God knows that your eyes will be opened as soon as you eat it and you will be like God, knowing both good and evil.
29:26 - Husband (Host)
But they don't even have like envy at this point. So like how could they want to be like God? I don't know. Why would that be something that they would want to do? I?
29:35 - Wife (Host)
don't know, but according to the Bible ready, the woman was convinced.
29:39 - Husband (Host)
Oh, that was a real easy sell. That snake should totally go into car sales.
29:46 - Wife (Host)
Like what would convince you to eat something that your spouse told you don't fucking eat, that, I mean, it tastes really good. That would convince me.
29:56 - Husband (Host)
Definitely would not be a talking serpent.
29:58 - Wife (Host)
Okay, but it depends on what the talking serpent says, because, like, if the talking serpent is like, you're going to know everything.
30:04 - Husband (Host)
I mean I guess he was promising God like powers.
30:06 - Wife (Host)
So I just I don't know that God like powers would be convincing to me, but I mean, I'm a foodie, so seriously, if he was like it tastes so good.
30:17 - Husband (Host)
Really, what does Eden know of God? Like powers anyway.
30:21 - Wife (Host)
30:22 - Husband (Host)
Eve, eve, oh yeah, garden of Eden, eve, my bad. What does Eve know of God like powers anyway, because she wasn't even there when God, like, ripped out Adam's ribs to?
30:32 - Wife (Host)
get to her with his legs and all that kind of shit. So yeah, I don't know.
30:36 - Husband (Host)
I just have so many questions with God like performing miracles all the time in the Garden of Eden.
30:40 - Wife (Host)
Those are not mentioned.
30:41 - Husband (Host)
Okay, all right.
30:43 - Wife (Host)
She saw that the tree was beautiful and its fruit looked delicious and she wanted the wisdom it would give her. So she took some of the fruit and ate it. Then she gave to some, to her husband who was with her.
30:55 - Husband (Host)
Wait, he was with her and this whole time wait the snake. Okay, they both heard God talk and no, no, no, no, no, no no no no, no, no, only Adam heard God talk Right.
But apparently Eve knew about it and and Adam was there with Eve when the snake told Eve to eat this, you should eat this and then he ate with her, so like he didn't stop or he didn't say anything. Then speak up. So he's the one that specifically heard God first person like first if you're the one that's like if he was really worried about it A, he wouldn't have eaten it, right B. Don't you think you would have spoke up and been like yo, I don't want to die this?
31:30 - Wife (Host)
sounds like a really bad plan. This sounds like a really bad plan.
31:32 - Husband (Host)
Yes, dude, let's like let's chill here for a minute, let's talk about this.
31:35 - Wife (Host)
Let's talk about this exactly. But he's like okay. At that moment their eyes were opened and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness.
31:47 - Husband (Host)
Their eyes were open. I mean like the third doesn't shame like okay, shame would require something someone to be shameful from, wouldn't it? I just think it's like when you're embarrassed and other people might know and maybe because the snakes talk, they're embarrassed to be naked in front of the snake.
32:06 - Wife (Host)
I hate it when serpent serpent. I hate it when the serpent sees me naked. Damn serpents always seeing me naked because really they only have each other. And are you embarrassed to be naked in front of?
32:16 - Husband (Host)
your spouse? No, that's stupid.
32:18 - Wife (Host)
That is kind of stupid, I mean she's got his rib. She does have his rib. But let me just say maybe there are some married couples that don't like being naked in front of each other, and we are not ones to shame, I'm just saying okay, all right, it's.
32:34 - Husband (Host)
It's a shame their eyes were open and the first thing that happens is shame, got it.
32:37 - Wife (Host)
And they were embarrassed of each other, that's the first thing that happens is shame, shame. Shame, shame. So they sewed fig leaves. See, I think God did have needles Wait wait.
32:50 - Husband (Host)
So they have God like powers, because they ate the fruit and they had to sew fig leaves for clothes. They couldn't just like materialize the shit, because I mean, god created the whole fucking planet.
33:00 - Wife (Host)
No, they just had knowledge.
33:02 - Husband (Host)
Oh, they didn't have powers, they just had, so they didn't have knowledge before.
33:06 - Wife (Host)
No, they had God knowledge. Okay, so they were just like so they were like boom, I'm naked and now I know how to sew. So they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves.
33:19 - Wife (Host)
33:19 - Wife (Host)
When the cool evening breezes were blowing, the man and his wife not the woman and her husband heard the Lord, god, walking about in the garden boom boom boom, is that what you imagine?
33:31 - Husband (Host)
a sound of like how old do you hear? It wasn't like a rustling. Oh, it could have been a rustling like a scuffle.
33:36 - Wife (Host)
How big was the garden that they heard him rustling? How big?
33:39 - Husband (Host)
do you suppose God was like? Was he like towering over them, or was he this? I guess he made us in his image, so he's probably the same size as us.
33:46 - Wife (Host)
Yeah, so like there's this dude walking around in this garden and they heard him. So how big is the garden and what kind of noises?
33:53 - Husband (Host)
was God making it's between the tiger? Well, they don't say how much of the region between the tigers and your freight is, so it could be just like a small ass, little garden.
34:01 - Wife (Host)
Right, right. So I mean, if it's a small garden, rustling, if it's a big garden, boom boom boom. Right. So they hid from the Lord God among the trees. Then the Lord God called to the man where are you.
34:16 - Wife (Host)
It's a great God voice.
34:17 - Wife (Host)
Right, he replied. Heard you working in the garden so I hid all the freight because I was naked.
34:25 - Husband (Host)
Is this Adam voicemail? That's Adam, okay.
34:28 - Wife (Host)
I love voicing characters. Yeah and I decided that Adam is a Dumbo, so he must be like a redneck kind of guy, like he's totally got a confederate.
34:38 - Husband (Host)
Do you think God gave them a reason to be scared?
34:41 - Wife (Host)
I mean, they're naked.
34:43 - Husband (Host)
Right, I mean, but they got fig leaves now and they did disobey him.
34:47 - Wife (Host)
Right, but they have fig leaves now, so they're not but like so okay, so they're no longer naked, but they know they did something bad.
34:55 - Husband (Host)
Okay, all right. They did something so scared because they have guilt that God doesn't know about right now, even though he's all powerful. He only has two people to keep keep track of at this point.
35:07 - Wife (Host)
You had one job.
35:10 - Husband (Host)
He doesn't even know they from the death tree. Oh, he knows. That's why he's walking. All right, all right.
35:16 - Wife (Host)
So okay, so he's afraid because they were naked who told you that you were naked?
35:24 - Wife (Host)
35:25 - Husband (Host)
God sound like a wailing Banshee.
35:28 - Wife (Host)
No, a wailing Banshee would be like.
35:32 - Husband (Host)
35:33 - Wife (Host)
Have you eaten from the tree whose fruit I commanded you not to?
35:38 - Husband (Host)
eat. You're right, she totally knows.
35:41 - Wife (Host)
Yeah, the man replied is the woman you gave me who gave me the fruit and I ate it.
35:47 - Husband (Host)
Maybe you shouldn't talk like that. It's hard to understand you.
35:49 - Wife (Host)
Okay, so here's what he said it was the woman you gave me who gave me the fruit, and I ate it. What a dick right he's passing off the blame. He was right there with this whole thing, right there, and he threw her under the fucking bus like nothing. Then the Lord, god, asked the woman what. Serpent deceived me, she replied. That's why.
36:17 - Husband (Host)
I ate it, passing the buck, blaming on somebody else.
36:20 - Wife (Host)
It sounds like there's a hole in the bucket. They're in reader, henry, and it just keeps like getting passed on and passed on right, right, I mean the guy. The guy blame the woman, the woman blames the serpent right like there's nobody's fault apparently except I say it's, it ends where it starts. God put right there. Yeah, yeah. Now there are some people who say you put it there on purpose, because he wanted all this to happen.
36:46 - Husband (Host)
Right so, but he's gonna like punish them here and shit.
36:48 - Wife (Host)
I know, so let's hear what he does. I'm a little resentful. I got a.
36:54 - Husband (Host)
I want to hear what he does, because so far this is like a dick move yeah on the man's part like every God's part. Yeah, stupid.
37:02 - Wife (Host)
No, I don't blame the woman. Okay, all right, eat the fruit that was not supposed to be eaten, but she only heard not to eat the fruit because her husband, who was dumb, told her. Hey, this god guy said Don't eat that.
37:16 - Husband (Host)
I mean we're assuming, because there's large gaps in this so far right.
37:18 - Wife (Host)
But, based on the information I've been given, she has never spoken with God, but she has spoken with a snake right right and her husband, who cannot find the butter in the fridge. Yeah so I'm just saying, if I was faced with my husband telling me something, or a snake comes up to me and tells me something, it's 50, 50. I could go either way. I'm believing my husband or the snake.
37:45 - Wife (Host)
Okay okay, then the Lord, god, said to the serpent because you have done this, you are cursed more than all the other animals, domestic and wild. You will crawl on your belly Groveling in the dust as long as you live and I will cause Hostility between you and the woman and between your offspring and her offspring. He will strike your head and you will strike as he.
38:13 - Husband (Host)
I mean dude, get rid of his legs apparently.
38:15 - Wife (Host)
Do you think serpents had legs?
38:17 - Husband (Host)
I mean, he's making him crawl on his belly.
38:20 - Wife (Host)
Well, okay, so there's snakes, there's serpents with legs, and then there's serpents without legs, and Then there's legless snakes. I don't know.
38:33 - Husband (Host)
I don't think they knew what was going on here, cuz. I don't think and like is it just that snake or like? Obviously he's saying, like he's punishing that one snake or serpent.
38:44 - Wife (Host)
I'm sorry no.
38:48 - Husband (Host)
Right, but like he's punishing Not just that one serpent but, like all of that, serpents, future progeny yeah and.
38:59 - Wife (Host)
39:00 - Husband (Host)
that's crazy, I'm like is his snake wife somewhere? Like just like lost his legs and like shit.
39:06 - Wife (Host)
What happened? He's like god damn it, I, what do you do? Now? I'm not to fuck with those people. Then he's into the woman.
39:17 - Wife (Host)
I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy and in pain you will give birth.
39:21 - Wife (Host)
Hold on this is escalated.
39:23 - Husband (Host)
Why? Why does anybody worship this dude?
39:25 - Wife (Host)
I mean, he just made Birth painful and you will desire to control your husband, but he will go over you.
39:32 - Husband (Host)
You desire to control me, no, I just wait wait. No, they said that you will desire to control me.
39:38 - Wife (Host)
No, he just said that to the woman.
39:41 - Husband (Host)
I know you're the woman.
39:42 - Wife (Host)
I'm not that woman.
39:45 - Husband (Host)
Do I control you?
39:47 - Wife (Host)
fuck. No, better not try either. No, he's just talking to them. He just said woman, your pain in your pregnancy is gonna be bad, okay, and your pain when you give birth is gonna be bad, and you're gonna wish you could control Adam. But guess what, adam? He gonna roll over you. Y'all fucked.
40:09 - Husband (Host)
So there it is, misogyny right there. Yep, so we've got like it's in the Bible.
40:14 - Wife (Host)
I know we've like from the the first three chapters. We've got guilt, shame and misogyny.
40:20 - Husband (Host)
It's awesome. Yeah, this is like great great.
40:24 - Wife (Host)
I love the story so far and to the man he said since you listen to your wife and eat from the tree who's food I commanded you not to eat. The ground is cursed because of you.
40:36 - Husband (Host)
So now he's cursing the ground, not the man. He's cursing the ground, no he is ready.
40:41 - Wife (Host)
All your life you will struggle to scratch a living from it tell that to Jeff Bezos. But he's not Adam. He just says all you, your Adam, all your life. Okay so Adam got a struggle.
40:54 - Wife (Host)
It will grow thorns and thistles for you, though you will eat of its grains by the sweat of your brow.
41:02 - Wife (Host)
Will you have food to eat?
41:03 - Wife (Host)
until you return to the ground from which you were made. This is yeah, for you were made from dust and to dust you will be.
41:16 - Husband (Host)
To do a really shitty voice.
41:19 - Wife (Host)
I think that God is really shitty and he, he does not deserve my best.
41:24 - Husband (Host)
Okay, all right.
41:26 - Wife (Host)
Then the man Adam named his wife Eve, because she would be the mother of all who live hold on a second.
41:33 - Husband (Host)
He named her after God Basically punished her and, like he, waited until this moment when God's punished them, to name her Eve.
41:41 - Wife (Host)
Oh, by the by your name. Your name is Eve, yeah what's up?
41:44 - Husband (Host)
Oh, that's because he rules over. Yeah, so he gets to name her. Yeah it just occurred to me. So he's like like Eve, doesn't get to pick her name.
41:53 - Wife (Host)
No no, it's, it's like you made me eat an apple by by being by me and being convinced and saying eat some. And so for that, your name is going to be Eve, which eventually will mean like the first, and so I'm going to go ahead and name you something which eventually will mean something, so that it already means something.
42:15 - Husband (Host)
42:16 - Wife (Host)
That's dumb. I'm going to continue. This is dumb. Yeah, and the Lord, god, made clothing from animal skins for Adam and his wife.
42:28 - Husband (Host)
So, like at this point, there's only like two of every animal. Did he like kill off an entire species just to make clothing for them? Is that where the fucking unicorns went?
42:36 - Wife (Host)
I, but I got to say something like he killed animals, right.
42:45 - Husband (Host)
God's like he's a real dickhead.
42:47 - Wife (Host)
He is not nice, he is not good.
42:50 - Husband (Host)
I don't like this guy.
42:51 - Wife (Host)
I don't like this guy. Okay, and the Lord God made clothing from animal skins for Adam and his wife. Then the Lord God said look, the human beings have become like us, the royal, we knowing both good and evil. What if they reach out, take fruit from the tree of life and eat it? Then they will live forever. And God knows we can't have that. So the Lord God banished them from the Garden of Eden. Hold on.
43:19 - Husband (Host)
So he made this perfect garden and then, just like I mean this is like in no time flat, he's like never mind See a peace out, Right.
43:25 - Wife (Host)
So he's like here's a garden, here's man in this garden, here's some trees, don't eat of it. Oh my God, they ate one, they might eat the other. Oh no, that never occurred to me before. Y'all get out like you fuck up once One time, one time in your Geez.
43:43 - Husband (Host)
Doomed, you're doomed. This guy has no like give.
43:47 - Wife (Host)
So the Lord God banished them from the Garden of Eden, and he sent Adam out to cultivate the ground from which he had been made. After sending them out, the Lord God stationed mighty cherubim to the east of the Garden of Eden.
44:03 - Husband (Host)
Cherubim like an angel thing.
44:04 - Wife (Host)
Yeah, it's like those you know like in Roman art. Greek and Roman art is like the little baby angels, like the chubby little, like Cupid. Is he going?
44:14 - Husband (Host)
to shoot you with his arrow if you try to get in.
44:16 - Wife (Host)
I don't know. I mean, I'm telling you what cherubim are based on my understanding. Okay, and my understanding is shaky at best.
44:23 - Husband (Host)
44:25 - Wife (Host)
And he placed a flaming sword that flashed back and forth to guard the way to the tree of life.
44:31 - Husband (Host)
So a giant flaming, flashing sword that waves back and forth. I mean that should be totally easy to find on Google Maps. We can see the whole planet. How are we missing a tiny? How are we missing a giant flashing sword?
44:44 - Wife (Host)
I mean that's a good question, and there's cherubim out there.
44:47 - Husband (Host)
It's not like he said he hit it, he just guarded it.
44:50 - Wife (Host)
Right. So hypothetically, if we go to the Tigris and Euphrates and those other two rivers like somewhere between them there's a giant flashing waving flaming sword. There's a flaming sword and cherubim.
45:02 - Husband (Host)
45:04 - Wife (Host)
So we should totally go there someday.
45:06 - Husband (Host)
There's a lot of strife going on over there.
45:09 - Wife (Host)
And also airplanes, and you know what I would have thought it would have been found by now.
45:14 - Husband (Host)
Just being honest, like you know, flaming sword on Google Maps. That's totally yeah Like.
45:21 - Wife (Host)
Google Earth. Like you can zoom in.
45:23 - Husband (Host)
45:24 - Wife (Host)
45:26 - Husband (Host)
Yeah. This story is not off to a good start. Is there more?
45:30 - Wife (Host)
No, that's the end of chapter three.
45:32 - Husband (Host)
Oh, okay, well, so that's it for this week, then. Huh yeah, okay. Well, I don't think this is the greatest book.
45:40 - Wife (Host)
I don't either, but should we keep reading, maybe it gets better.
45:43 - Husband (Host)
Well, yeah, I mean obviously, the relevance of this book overall is very relevant to life, because there's so many people that abide by and take this at its word. So, yes, we should definitely keep reading.
45:54 - Wife (Host)
But what if we get through the entire thing and it still sucks?
45:58 - Husband (Host)
I have no doubt that it's still going to suck, but that's why we're reading it and making fun of it, because it makes it that much more fun.
46:06 - Wife (Host)
Have you ever read the Bible?
46:08 - Husband (Host)
46:08 - Wife (Host)
46:09 - Husband (Host)
That's why this is fun.
46:11 - Wife (Host)
46:11 - Husband (Host)
All right, well, we will see you in a week, we think I don't know. This is kind of new to us, so we're kind of playing with timeframes and this is our first episode. So you know, don't like yell at us and shit if we don't get that right.
46:24 - Wife (Host)
Like maybe next week.
46:25 - Husband (Host)
So like maybe next week? Question mark yeah, I don't know. We'll see you at some point soon. Husband Wife, see you next week. See you next week.