Husband and Wife cover Genesis chapter 8:
Noah's Ark; and chapter 9: God's Covenant with Noah / Noah's Drunkenness.
We question the amount of sacrifices and cursing that happen. Turns out, Noah is as big a dick as God.
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00:01 - Wife (Host)
Yes wife our last couple episodes ran kind of long.
00:05 - Husband (Host)
Yeah, they were like getting on close to an hour.
00:07 - Wife (Host)
00:08 - Husband (Host)
That's a lot of biblings.
00:09 - Wife (Host)
That's too much biblings.
00:11 - Husband (Host)
That is too much biblings.
00:12 - Wife (Host)
So let's change up our format a little.
00:15 - Husband (Host)
00:16 - Wife (Host)
Okay, so we're just gonna do two chapters today.
00:18 - Husband (Host)
All right, sounds good.
00:20 - Wife (Host)
We're gonna do chapters eight and nine of Genesis.
00:24 - Husband (Host)
All right, hang tight everyone hey wife, yes, husband did you know that we are now on patreon?
00:39 - Wife (Host)
Yes, because you told me, but also, no, tell me more.
00:44 - Husband (Host)
So we're on patreon now are we we are and our supporters can go there and support us, and we have multiple levels all the way up to you killed God that sounds really drastic and escalate it quickly ish. Well, no, there's multiple levels before there. So that's as escalates on the sliding scale of, you know, cheap to not cheap. But you know we can definitely use any amount. So, like, any support is always appreciated.
01:10 - Wife (Host)
So what exactly is patreon?
01:12 - Husband (Host)
It's a place where you can show your support for our podcast and just our podcast, any Podcast or any performer but you know we're the ones that you know you're listening to right now, so maybe you should, you know, support us. That'd be awesome.
01:25 - Wife (Host)
That would be awesome, but we love you anyway.
01:27 - Husband (Host)
So all you got to do is go to patreon, look up sacrilegious discourse. It's actually patreoncom forward slash. Sacrilegious discourse is our actual main page there. So head on over and Send us some love.
01:39 - Wife (Host)
Yeah, so do you remember what happened last time?
01:48 - Husband (Host)
Mmm, God stuff right?
01:51 - Wife (Host)
No, it's stuff.
01:52 - Husband (Host)
No, it's tough, that's right.
01:53 - Wife (Host)
There was like a flood.
01:54 - Husband (Host)
Yeah, god killed all the people and the unicorns and the unicorns fucker but not the fishes.
02:00 - Wife (Host)
But not the fishes. I mean the fishes are delicious, so he's stupid. All right, Genesis chapter 8, okay, but God remembered Noah and all the wild animals and livestock with him in the boat. He sent a wind to blow across the earth and the floodwaters began to recede. The underground water stopped flowing and the torrential rains from the sky were stopped. The jack torrential rains whatever.
Flood waters gradually receded from the earth. After a hundred fifty days, exactly five months from the time the flood began, the boat came to rest on the mountains of Ararat, or a rat rat but, okay, hold on, but so 150 days, right, he's already done.
02:51 - Husband (Host)
Killed off all the people and all the furry screen animals on the ground and the livestock. And God moved water when he built the earth. Why can't he just move this shit again Like why do they have to wait like another 40 days and 40 nights of rain? Right? Then they got to wait another 110 days before they see dry land. Why can't God just be like poof?
03:11 - Wife (Host)
He wanted them to want it. It's, it's, it's whatever. He's building character Still an asshole.
03:19 - Husband (Host)
He's still an asshole.
03:21 - Wife (Host)
Probably Two and a half months later. So, after they were stuck on the mountains of in and the two and a half months later, as the waters continued to go down, other mountain peaks became visible. After another 40 days, geez Noah opened the window he had made in the boat and released a raven.
03:41 - Husband (Host)
Did they have glass back then like, or is it like a panel that he pushed out? I think?
03:45 - Wife (Host)
he just used a saw and cut out a porthole of wood. Okay okay, he released a raven, but I thought it was um a dove.
03:54 - Husband (Host)
I thought it was a dove too.
03:55 - Wife (Host)
Maybe this is a new translation so well, maybe he did a raven before he did the dove.
04:00 - Husband (Host)
Right, this one doesn't matter. I don't know who knows who knows.
04:03 - Wife (Host)
The bird flew back and forth until the flood waters on the earth had dried up. He also released a dove To see if the water had receded, and it could find finds dry ground?
04:13 - Husband (Host)
What was the point of releasing the raven and the dove?
04:15 - Wife (Host)
I don't know, maybe there was shit and everywhere and he was like I can't stand this bird shit one more day. Okay, but the dove could find no place to land because the water still covered the ground.
04:27 - Husband (Host)
How would he know if it found a place to land?
04:29 - Wife (Host)
because the doves really like ground. Okay and so it wouldn't have come back. Okay they kept coming back because there was no place to land, except that there's mountaintops right, so this place is to land. It just didn't like those places. I guess, that dove was picky shit?
04:46 - Husband (Host)
04:47 - Wife (Host)
So it returned to the boat and Noah held out his hand and drew the dove back inside. After waiting another seven days, noah released the dove again. This time the dove returned to him in the evening with a fresh olive leaf in its beak. Then no one knew that the flood waters were almost gone. Isn't that where, like the um, like when you present somebody with an olive branch? Isn't that where that comes from? Like you're saying you know let's White flag.
05:18 - Husband (Host)
You know peace like maybe I don't know, I think that is. But like um, you were wrong. By the way, what? The dove didn't stay on the land. He drew sprout back in olive branch.
05:30 - Wife (Host)
It's not like I know the bible.
05:31 - Husband (Host)
Oh, I know.
05:32 - Wife (Host)
I've never read it before. I only Picked up pieces here and there. So I mean, was I wrong or was I just, I don't know, bible stuff right, right, okay, okay. He waited another seven days and then released the dove again. This time it did not come back.
05:51 - Husband (Host)
Okay, there it is.
05:52 - Wife (Host)
There it is. I was right.
05:54 - Husband (Host)
05:56 - Wife (Host)
I really just wanted you to say I was right. Noah was now 601 years old on the first day of the new year, 10 and a half months after the flood began. Good grief, the flood waters had almost dried up from the earth. Noah lifted back the covering of the boat and saw that the surface of the ground was drying. Two more months went by and at last the earth was dry Woohoo.
06:21 - Husband (Host)
That was. That was a long time.
06:22 - Wife (Host)
They were on that boat for like a year. Yeah fuck that right. I don't even like going on a boat for an afternoon, but I mean these people live for like hundreds of years. So it was well. It was but a blink of an eye right, I guess Noah's the last wait.
06:35 - Husband (Host)
He's 600 in one years old right, but isn't he like the last one that was going to live a long time? I don't remember because, remember how he like cut their lifespans and stuff.
06:44 - Wife (Host)
I don't remember. Okay, yeah, he said that nobody's gonna, but I thought that was one of um One of Noah's descendants. I don't know and now we're just like doing a rewind back in time again. Got it Okay because at some point you're right.
07:01 - Husband (Host)
He said that ain't nobody gonna live more than 120 years, so but now that it's just people that live forever and long times just gotta have to redo that thing, or is he gonna let him live longer again?
07:11 - Wife (Host)
I really don't know. Okay, honestly, because when you kill off the whole planet.
07:15 - Husband (Host)
It seems kind of pointless everything you said before that you would think, like it kind of like negates the whole thing, like this is a fresh slate type thing, you know.
07:22 - Wife (Host)
Like times do over right.
Thank god said to Noah leave the boat. All of you, you and your wife and your sons and their wives Release all the animals, the birds, the livestock and the small animals that scurry along the ground so they can be fruitful and multiply throughout the earth. So Noah, his wife and his sons and their wives left the boat and all of the large and small animals and birds came out of the boat, pair by pair. Then Noah built an altar to the lord. I mean wow. And there he sacrificed as burnt offerings the animals and birds that had been approved for that purpose. What the hell? Once again they are killing an entire species.
08:06 - Husband (Host)
You know, I was never aware that we did sacrifices.
08:09 - Wife (Host)
08:10 - Husband (Host)
As Christian. You know, like I am not a Christian, but I grew up in a Christian world, so I was never aware that we were like a sacrificial religious thing.
08:22 - Wife (Host)
So this is pre-Christianity, of course. So right, I guess like I think that the whole Jesusy thing is that it puts an end to sacrifice okay because he is the sacrifice will be sure in Jesus land yet. So no, so I mean it's only fair that they're doing pagan bullshit, sacrifice things.
08:42 - Husband (Host)
08:43 - Wife (Host)
Okay so, and the Lord was pleased with the aroma of the sacrifice I mean, I know I love me some burnt animal and said to himself hmm self, I will never again curse the ground because of the human race. Even though everything they think or imagine is bent toward evil from childhood, you know, knowing that I fucking made them in my image, everything about them is evil.
09:09 - Husband (Host)
What so he was ready to scrap the whole thing, like completely. Then he was like now I'll give Noah a chance, right? And then Noah burned some shit, some animals burnt some animals, and God's like that shit smells good it smells good. I'm never going to kill everybody again.
09:26 - Wife (Host)
No, he's never going to destroy the earth again. Oh, okay, he didn't say anything about the people on it. Okay, all right, I will never again destroy all living things. Oh no, you were right, sorry.
09:38 - Husband (Host)
But some living things maybe all the living things. He's never going to kill all the living things, but he might do a few, maybe some of them.
09:44 - Wife (Host)
Certainly the ones that were sacrificed. Right yeah, those things just died, that's entire species wiped out again, right?
09:51 - Husband (Host)
No, because they brought on extras for sacrifice.
09:53 - Wife (Host)
Remember Just the birds.
09:55 - Husband (Host)
Everything else was Maybe, that's what they didn't say, what they sacrificed. Maybe that's what they sacrificed.
09:58 - Wife (Host)
Okay, so okay, I guess some birds.
10:02 - Husband (Host)
But they did say that they brought on stuff specifically for sacrificing. Yeah, you're right.
10:06 - Wife (Host)
So You're right. That's just so gross to me.
10:09 - Husband (Host)
10:10 - Wife (Host)
I mean, I guess it's because of conventions and stuff, Like maybe I'm just preconditioned to think that. But Right. I don't know, I don't know. Okay, that's the end of chapter eight. All right.
10:30 - Husband (Host)
10:36 - Wife (Host)
Chapter 9. God's Covenant with Noah. Do you know what happens?
10:42 - Husband (Host)
Um, I mean, I know.
10:44 - Wife (Host)
10:45 - Husband (Host)
Oh, that's right. What about you remember that guy that was crying over the double rainbow in the YouTube videos?
10:51 - Wife (Host)
10:52 - Husband (Host)
It was a big thing, like there was like this whole thing, because this guy starts crying over a double rainbow in the YouTube.
10:57 - Wife (Host)
Are you serious? Yeah, I never saw that, yeah.
11:01 - Husband (Host)
It was like a I don't know something. It was a thing. Hmm, how long ago was that A year, five years, I don't know.
11:10 - Wife (Host)
What is time, then? God blessed Noah and his sons and told them be fruitful and multiply, fill the earth.
11:19 - Husband (Host)
He loves to tell things to be fruitful and multiply. Yeah, it's like his favorite phrase.
11:23 - Wife (Host)
Have all the sexes and make all the babies. All the animals of the earth, all the birds of the sky, all the small animals that scurried along the ground and all the fish in the sea will look on you with fear and terror.
11:37 - Husband (Host)
Oh, my God.
11:37 - Wife (Host)
Jesus Christ, I have placed them in your power. I have given them to you for food, just as I have given you grain and vegetables, but you must never eat any meat that still has the lifeblood in it.
11:52 - Husband (Host)
So you're not supposed to eat like raw meat.
11:55 - Wife (Host)
Well, I think you're saying, if it's still alive, like don't just pick up a living cat and take a bite out of it, right? I guess, and cook your meat.
12:05 - Husband (Host)
Yeah, I mean, that's probably. It's probably a thing, I mean what this is a rule book for like old people back before.
12:12 - Wife (Host)
Back before medicine, yeah, so they're like cook your meat.
12:15 - Husband (Host)
Cook your meat, don't eat raw meat, dumbass Right.
12:18 - Wife (Host)
You'll get like what is it that you get from eating raw meat, besides just really sick?
12:23 - Husband (Host)
Is it um what is it? E coli?
12:28 - Wife (Host)
E coli and um Salmonella.
12:29 - Husband (Host)
12:30 - Wife (Host)
That's the one I was thinking of, and I will require the blood of anyone who takes another person's life. Damn the blood Wow. If a wild animal kills a person, it must die, and anyone who murders a fellow human must die Jesus.
12:47 - Husband (Host)
Good Lord, he's all about the corporal punishment.
12:50 - Wife (Host)
He is violent, this God is mean.
12:52 - Husband (Host)
I'm going to go back to it. He's a dick.
12:55 - Wife (Host)
He really is. If anyone takes a human life, that person's life will also be taken by human hands, for God made human beings in his own image. Cruel is shit. How does?
13:06 - Husband (Host)
that work out, Is it? Do you get a pass for taking that human life if it's ordained that you get to take that human life?
13:12 - Wife (Host)
13:12 - Husband (Host)
Because a human has to take the human life.
13:14 - Wife (Host)
So, just like this mad cycle of everybody's going to die because so he's like don't take a human life unless I tell you it's okay, right.
Now be fruitful and multiply and repopulate the earth. I can't even. Then, God told Noah and his sons. I hereby confirm my covenant with you and your descendants and with all the animals that were on the boat with you the birds, the livestock and all the wild animals, every living creature on earth. Yes, I am confirming my covenant with you. Never again will flood waters kill all living creatures, Never again will a flood destroy the earth.
13:54 - Husband (Host)
I like how he stipulates flood yeah.
13:57 - Wife (Host)
I mean, I might use fire, I might use volcanoes and meteors, but it won't be a fucking flood.
14:04 - Husband (Host)
He's leaving that loophole open, yeah.
14:06 - Wife (Host)
Yeah. Then God said I'm giving you a sign of my covenant with you and with all living creatures for all generations to come. I have placed my rainbow in the clouds. It's not a rainbow in this case, is not just the sun refracting light.
14:26 - Husband (Host)
So are all rainbows God given, or is it just the one? Then that that time?
14:31 - Wife (Host)
I mean, I really couldn't even tell you. Ok, I don't know.
14:34 - Husband (Host)
I mean, my understanding was that it was just like you said. You know water hitting particles of water in the air and refracting and science shit, Science right Science. But apparently it's God.
14:46 - Wife (Host)
It's just magic.
14:48 - Husband (Host)
Or at least that one time it was God.
14:49 - Wife (Host)
Butterfly in the sky.
14:51 - Husband (Host)
And go back to just yeah.
14:54 - Wife (Host)
I have placed my rainbow in the clouds. It is the sign of my covenant with you and with all the earth. When I send clouds over the earth, the rainbow will appear in the clouds and I will remember my covenant with you and with all living creatures.
15:08 - Husband (Host)
I think I always said it's going to appear in the clouds, when it's like it's not really in the clouds. It's under the clouds Right, or sometimes it's out in the clear sky because it's you know. Lightly refracted, right, yeah, it has nothing to do with clouds, no, whatever.
15:21 - Wife (Host)
Whatever, never again. You know what I also like how he says when I see the rainbow, I'll remember my covenant.
15:28 - Husband (Host)
Right. Good thing there's a rainbow, or else God might forget his covenant, yeah Right, well, I mean, he has trouble tracking like four people.
15:35 - Wife (Host)
So I mean you keep going back to that.
15:38 - Husband (Host)
Because it's funny.
15:39 - Wife (Host)
Never again will the flood waters destroy all life. When I see the rainbow in the clouds, I will remember the eternal covenant between God and every living creature on earth.
15:50 - Husband (Host)
He stipulated specifically floods, though.
15:53 - Wife (Host)
He did Multiple times, multiple times, yeah.
15:55 - Husband (Host)
Sounds like a sneaky bastard.
15:56 - Wife (Host)
He really, really does. God said to Noah yes, this rainbow is the sign of the covenant I am confirming with all the creatures on earth. Like I know I've said it before, but repetitive much.
16:10 - Husband (Host)
Yeah, it gets a little old. It really does Like come on, ooh.
16:14 - Wife (Host)
But this next part sounds fun.
16:16 - Husband (Host)
16:16 - Wife (Host)
16:19 - Husband (Host)
He's going to have a good old time.
16:21 - Wife (Host)
Wife's drunkenness, Husband's drunkenness, OK, so Noah's drunkenness. The sons of Noah who came out of the boat with their father were Shem Ham and Japheth. Ham is the father of Canaan. From these three sons of Noah came all the people who now populate the earth.
16:43 - Husband (Host)
So now is the incest. And the incest I mean before there was just random dudes. That random people that just like popped up somewhere on earth.
16:52 - Wife (Host)
They appeared out of nowhere, right, but now it's all incest from here Now it's all incest. We are all inbred motherfuckers.
16:59 - Husband (Host)
Got it, got it.
17:00 - Wife (Host)
That explains a lot.
17:01 - Husband (Host)
17:03 - Wife (Host)
After the flood, Noah began to cultivate the ground and he planted a vineyard. Ooh, that is something we should consider planting in our backyard.
17:12 - Husband (Host)
Yeah, that's not going to work. I want a vineyard. Do you know what would happen? What it would die.
17:16 - Wife (Host)
Yeah, it would, because I don't take care of plants. One day he drank some wine he had made and he became drunk and lay naked inside his tent.
17:25 - Husband (Host)
17:25 - Wife (Host)
Dear God, not naked inside your own fucking bedroom? What Him? The father of Canaan, which he already said he was the father of, saw that his father was naked and went outside and told his brothers have you seen, dad? Dad was fucking naked. You guys, Can you even believe that? What Dad naked? Nah, man, nah.
17:48 - Husband (Host)
That's not what it says in the Bible.
17:50 - Wife (Host)
No, but I'm imagining the conversation.
17:53 - Husband (Host)
17:53 - Wife (Host)
Like who cares?
17:55 - Husband (Host)
But aren't they gonna tell us the conversation?
17:56 - Wife (Host)
No, but I'm just like thinking, this dude saw his dad naked and went out and told his brothers like it was a big fucking deal, right. Like could you imagine? Like, if you saw your dad naked, would you be like, oh my God, dad was naked. Can you even believe that shit?
18:11 - Husband (Host)
I mean maybe.
18:14 - Wife (Host)
You would be.
18:14 - Husband (Host)
My dad got drunk at my brother's wedding and, like you know, kicked over a you know a bunch of stuff and pissed himself so that was fun.
18:24 - Wife (Host)
Oh my God, that is not something that you say on the podcast with the hell. Well, they don't know who I am.
18:29 - Husband (Host)
What the hell is wrong with you? It's anonymous. Okay, it's a funny story. It is a funny story.
18:34 - Wife (Host)
It is a funny story, but here's the thing. Would you be like? I can understand you being like oh my God, dad got so drunk, but would you be like oh my God, dad was in his own bedroom, in his own house and he was naked. Can you even believe that Like? Would you be appalled that your dad was naked in his own bedroom?
18:50 - Husband (Host)
in his own house.
18:51 - Wife (Host)
That's the part I'm getting at.
18:53 - Husband (Host)
18:54 - Wife (Host)
Okay, then Shem and Japheth took a robe, held it over their shoulders and backed into the tent to cover their father In his own fucking room.
19:03 - Husband (Host)
They were like good Lord, just walking in and you know, just be like dad dad, you doing okay, you need a barf bucket. Are you good? He's working up a bender, God this is just ridiculous.
19:15 - Wife (Host)
As they did this, they looked the other way so they would not see him naked, because Lord forbid that you see a penis.
19:21 - Husband (Host)
Well, they love that shame shit back then. Yeah, shame shame, shame.
19:27 - Wife (Host)
I just couldn't imagine.
19:28 - Husband (Host)
And he didn't have any fig leaves sewn over his you know naughty parts, so you have a wiener Bad dong.
19:38 - Wife (Host)
When Noah woke up from his stupor, he learned what Ham, his youngest son, had done. Then he cursed Canaan, the son of Ham. May Canaan be cursed. May he be the lowest of servants to his relatives. What? I fucking hate it when I'm drunk and naked in my own room and somebody comes in and puts a robe over me. So fuck your kid.
19:58 - Husband (Host)
Right, noah sounds like a complete dickhead. Yeah, fuck your kid, because you comfort me I mean not that he had a great role model in God.
20:05 - Wife (Host)
No, but I mean he should have been mad at the Kid. He should have just been like y'all can't even leave me the fuck alone when I'm getting drunk in my own tent right, yeah, that's crazy but I don't know what Canaan had to do with it. Yeah, I don't know this whole thing is weird.
20:21 - Husband (Host)
It really is.
20:22 - Wife (Host)
Then Noah said may the Lord, the God of Shem, be blessed, and may Canaan be his servant. May God expand to the territory of Japheth, may Japheth share the prosperity of Shem and may Canaan be his servant. That's mean right. He is cursing his grandchild.
20:45 - Husband (Host)
Yeah, that's crazy, for no reason. Yeah, that's dumb.
20:49 - Wife (Host)
Noah lived another 350 years after the great flood. He lived 950 years and then he died the end ridden. Yeah, seriously asshole. Not because he was drinking and not because he was naked, but because because he made one of his grandsons a servant because Something's.
21:07 - Husband (Host)
But was he even the one that walked in on him?
21:09 - Wife (Host)
No, that's what I'm saying. He, what the fuck? He should have been mad at his kid, not his kids kid. He even shouldn't have been mad at his kids. Well, I mean, he could be mad at his kid like I would be mad if my kids came into my bedroom and we're like mom, I can't even believe you got drunk and naked in your bedroom, man, we had to cover your nakedness up like I would be mad at them like okay a, I'm a grown-ass woman. I will get the fuck drunk anytime. I want get out, okay. Next, why are you even in my fucking bedroom? I'm allowed to be naked in my bedroom and if you don't like it again, get the fuck out.
21:47 - Husband (Host)
Nobody invited you in here but still To get mad at that level.
21:53 - Wife (Host)
Look okay the level of anger is definitely not also apparently Noah could curse people like this.
21:58 - Husband (Host)
Sounds like witchcraft. Oh, which I'm just saying it's true like a pox on your God was cursing people and now Noah can curse people Like. And then there was that one guy about the 77 years. This sounded like he wanted to try to curse people.
22:14 - Wife (Host)
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, when he was like it was Kane, it was Kane, because he was like no, it wasn't.
22:20 - Husband (Host)
Kane Kane was the seven years, and then there was some dude.
22:23 - Wife (Host)
In the beginning it was one of the middle great grandchildren, right, right that was like if you try to kill Kane, seven years on you, but if you try to kill me, 77 years on.
22:34 - Husband (Host)
Ray, right, he's trying to make his own curse. These people are weird.
22:38 - Wife (Host)
They are rather uppity.
22:40 - Husband (Host)
All right. Well, I can't wait to see what's in the next installment, cuz gosh, this is just.
22:45 - Wife (Host)
This is terrible. This book is bad.
22:47 - Husband (Host)
Right, it's a bad book, that's why we're making fun of it, because otherwise this wouldn't even be like tolerable.
22:54 - Wife (Host)
Could you imagine?
22:54 - Husband (Host)
just sit down and read it and not making fun of it. How do people like me boring as shit? How?
22:59 - Wife (Host)
do people respect?
23:00 - Husband (Host)
this I haven't because somebody. I'm missing something that's why there's a pastor or a preacher or a Whatever the fuck you call them, I don't care. That's why they have those people to be like. I'm gonna interpret this for you. I'm gonna tell you what to think, because if you read it on your own without somebody telling you what to think, you're gonna be like what? The everlasting fuck.
23:23 - Wife (Host)
It's true. This makes no sense to me and I do not like it, Sam. I am Okay.
23:30 - Husband (Host)
All right, we'll see you guys next week yeah.