Genesis Chapters 1 - 3 Bible Study for Atheists

Genesis Chapters 1 - 3

[00:00:00] 

Wife: Husband. 

Husband: Yes, wife. 

Wife: Remember how I said, let's read the Bible? 

Husband: Yeah. 

Wife: Okay. So let's start. 

Husband: What are we going over today? 

Wife: Well, we're going to read, , from front to finish and it starts with the book of Genesis. And so we're going to start with chapters one, two, and three of Genesis. 

Husband: Oh, so like in the beginning.

Wife: Yeah, that kind of thing. And just for a note, we are reading the New Living Translation, which is abbreviated NLT for anybody who cares about such things, because I'm not doing the King James thing. 

Husband: I don't even know what any of that means, but okay, let's do this. 

Wife: Sounds great. 

you don't mess with it.

Wife: Okay. So we are starting with chapter one of Genesis and it's subtitled The Creation. 

Husband: Woohoo! 

Wife: Okay. In the beginning, God created the heavens and the [00:01:00] earth. I always wondered. The earth was formless and empty and darkness covered the deep waters. 

Husband: This 

sounds like a boring ass place. 

Wife: Well, and I know from previous readings that he creates the waters later.

So, , how is it covered with darkness and waters? That haven't been created yet.

Husband: I 

don't know. It's just because there's still more here. 

Wife: And the spirit of God was hovering over the surfaces of the waters that he hadn't created yet. 

Husband: Why was he hovering? Like, I know. He was 

Wife: bored. 

Husband: Okay. 

Wife: Then God said, Hey, let there be light.

And there was light. And God saw that the light was good. 

Husband: Light to show all the desolate boringness 

Wife: that he hadn't created yet. 

Husband: Okay, 

Wife: then he separated the light from the darkness That was awfully cool of him. 

Husband: So what happened like, okay, he separated the light from the darkness 

Wife: and he saw that it was good 

Husband: But he just created the light.

So was there like a moment in time where the light was [00:02:00] not separated? And 

Wife: yeah, 

there was no light. It was all darkness and water 

Husband: Okay, but then he created light and then was it separated? 

Wife: Yeah, that's what he just said. 

Husband: No, he just separated it. 

Okay. Okay. Sorry. 

Wife: We're like four sentences in and you're already lost.

Husband: I know. 

I know. 

Wife: God called the light day and the darkness light. I mean night. Sorry. Let me read that again. God called the light day and the darkness night. And evening passed and morning came, marking the first day. 

Husband: It's a good thing that he named them evening and morning, otherwise we'd totally up shits creek with these names 

Wife: except guess what what I happen to know from reading ahead that he hadn't even Separated day from night yet.

Husband: Oh 

Wife: good grief Then God said let there be a space between the waters to separate the waters of the heavens from the waters of the earth I mean 

Husband: the waters of the earth 

Wife: From the waters on the 

Husband: waters of the heaven. 

Wife: Yeah, 

Husband: I thought It was just nothing up there except for gases. [00:03:00] 

Wife: I didn't even know 

Husband: Are gases 

a sea Is that what he was Was he confused about what he was doing? 

Wife: He might not have had a really good plan. 

Husband: Okay, 

all right. I think maybe this guy is just one big God fart. 

Wife: That is really rude. And that is what happened. God made the space to separate the waters of the earth from the waters of the heavens.

Repetitive much? God called the space sky. And the evening passed and morning came, marking the second day. Then God said, Let the waters beneath the sky flow together into one place so dry ground may appear. 

Husband: Wait. If they flow together in one place, physics would say that the water would have to rise because it was already there.

So wouldn't it, I mean, how does that make there less water? 

Wife: I 

don't think he invented physics yet. 

Husband: Maybe he just drank some of the ocean water. 

Wife: I mean, he is God. 

Husband: I mean, they 

didn't say that. They just said he moved it. So, like, I don't know if I move water into a smaller space, it rises, so, like, that [00:04:00] doesn't bode well for the people living near that water because it's, like, above them.

There weren't people yet. Oh, yeah, shit. Okay. 

Wife: And that is what happened. God called the dry ground land and the waters seas, and God saw that it was good. Then God said, let the land sprout with vegetation. Every sort of seed bearing plant and trees that grow seed bearing fruit. These seeds will then produce the kinds of plants and trees from which they came.

Husband: How do you suppose he knew what vegetation and trees were? 

Wife: And that is what happened. 

Husband: Has he done this before? Or was this like, just like, he was just like sitting there thinking, yeah, I'm going to make some, me some vegetation and trees. 

Wife: I mean, who could know? It is. 

Husband: Because 

I want a good salad. 

Wife: So God made vegetation because he wanted to go to Subway.

Husband: I mean, maybe he's a vegan. He made the vegetation and trees first, 

Wife: oh my God. 

The land produced vegetation, all sorts of seed bearing plants and trees with seed bearing fruit. Their [00:05:00] seeds produced plants and trees of the same kind, and God saw that it was good. I mean, this is really repetitive. He's like, I'm gonna make a thing, and then he makes it, and then he's like, I made a thing.

Husband: Yeah. 

Wife: An evening passed and morning came, marking the third day. Then God said, let lights appear in the sky to separate the day from the night. See, that's what I'm saying! No, see, 

Husband: he didn't even 

separate it. 

Wife: We're like, 

on the fourth 

Husband: What day 

are we, we're on the fourth day? 

Wife: We're on the 

fourth day! 

Husband: And he hadn't 

separated it, but he said he separated it on the first day.

Wife: I know. 

Husband: They're really confused. Were they high when they wrote this shit? 

Wife: Um, I think they needed a really good editor. Okay. Let them 

Husband: only 

like three paragraphs in maybe, I don't even know. How many paragraphs are we? 

Wife: I didn't, 

Husband: or is this like just like the 

first paragraph. 

Wife: We're on verse 14. 

Husband: Okay. 14 verses and they already screwed up.

Wife: I mean, who knows? 

Husband: Whatever. I thought this was God's 

word. He's not very, 

Wife: but it was written by man. 

Husband: Right. Okay. 

Wife: So I mean, maybe God was like all, and then man [00:06:00] was like, okay. It's typical of, 

Husband: wait, wait, what did he say? When did he separate the light from the dark? 

Wife: It's typical of man.

Husband: I don't know. Just write it a couple of times.

We'll get it right on one of them. 

Wife: Yeah. Yeah. 

Husband: Okay. 

Wife: Then God said, let lights appear in the sky to separate the day from the night. Let them be signs to mark the seasons, days, and years. Let these lights in the sky shine down on the earth. And that is what happened. 

Husband: I'm glad we have stars. Yay 

Wife: it gets really interesting from here because, , apparently the sun is not a star question mark.

Husband: Okay. 

Wife: God made two great lights, the larger one to govern the day 

Husband: sun, 

Wife: the sun, which is apparently not a star. 

Husband: Right. 

Wife: And the smaller one to govern the night. 

Husband: Ooh, 

ooh, the moon? 

Wife: That could be. 

Husband: Yes! 

Wife: He also made the stars, again, of which the sun is not one, apparently. 

Husband: Right, because it was just the light. 

Wife: It's just the light.

It's the light. 

Husband: Yeah. 

Wife: God set these lights in the sky to light the earth, to govern the day and night. And [00:07:00] to separate the light from the darkness. 

Husband: I'm glad he separated it. 

Wife: And God saw that it was good. 

Husband: He saw that it was good. 

Wife: I mean, I think it's good, but what do I know? 

Husband: Right. I mean, it would be bad if it was dark all the time or light all the time.

That would suck. 

Wife: Well, if it was dark all the time, that would be a vampire movie. And if it was dark all the time, that would be a zombie movie. 

Husband: But I mean, 

hypothetically, if you live in Alaska, he didn't really separate the Day from the night up there. 

Wife: We don't talk about that. 

Husband: Okay. 

Wife: An evening passed and morning came marking the fourth day.

Then God said, let the water swarm with fish and other life. Let the skies be filled with birds of every kind. So, I mean, really, he created the birds before he created any of the other animals. 

Husband: What were the fish eating? 

Wife: They, there weren't fish yet, because 

Husband: I thought he just said 

he created 

fish. 

Wife: Hold on.

Husband: Was it birds and fish, I thought? 

Wife: No, um, God's in the light, and Oh no, you're right, he did. 

Husband: Yeah, 

he swam in the seas. 

Wife: He did the 

fishes and the birds. 

Husband: Yeah. 

Wife: They ate [00:08:00] each other. 

Husband: They, okay, so the fish jumped out of the water to eat the birds. 

Wife: There are 

flying fish. 

Husband: That is true. 

Wife: They ate each other. That's all I can believe.

Or the biggest fish ate the littlest fish, and then the littlest fish were the flyers that ate the birds. 

Husband: Got it. 

Wife: And 

the birds ate them. Also of the littlest fish that 

Husband: well, maybe 

he makes food from later 

Wife: So God created great sea creatures and every living thing that scurries and swarms in the water and every sort of bird Each producing offspring of the same kind and God saw that it was good I mean, it would be really weird for like a bird to give birth to an octopus 

Husband: So I'm right but I mean like 

Wife: I'm glad that he made the birds give birth only to the birds 

Husband: Technically though evolution happened I mean, you know, we can prove that scientifically.

Wife: We don't talk about that. 

Husband: Okay. So technically they're not exactly the same. 

Wife: No. 

Husband: I mean, I'm just saying 

Wife: no, but we don't [00:09:00] talk about that. 

Husband: Well, you're, you're saying the last Bible people don't talk about it. We talk about it all the time. 

Wife: But I mean, when we're talking about the Bible automatically, we don't talk about Alaska or evolution.

Husband: So 

Alaska and evolution are right out. 

Wife: We should make a list of things that are right out. Then God blessed them, saying, Be fruitful and multiply. Let the fish fill the seas, and let the birds multiply on the earth. And evening passed, and morning came, marking the fifth day. 

Husband: Do you think that they understood him when he said, Be fruitful and multiply?

Wife: I guess it is 

Husband: God's word, so maybe God can talk to all the living things. 

Wife: I mean, sometimes our cat understands us when we talk to her. 

Husband: Yeah, that's true. 

Wife: So, who knows. Then God said, Let the earth produce every sort of animal, each producing offspring of the same kind, livestock, small animals that scurry along the ground, and wild animals.

Husband: Wait, livestock? 

Wife: I know like livestock intrinsically means animals that belong to man. So he created [00:10:00] animals that belong to, no, 

Husband: he didn't create 

animals. He created livestock according to the Bible. He created livestock before he created man. 

Wife: Yeah. 

Husband: Okay. I'm just checking to make sure I got that right.

Wife: Yeah. 

Husband: Okay. 

Wife: Yeah, you did. You got it. 

Husband: I 

got it. 

Wife: And that is what happened. God made all sorts of wild animals, livestock, and small animals, each able to produce offspring of the same kind, so we don't have birds giving birth to octopi, and God saw that it was good. 

Husband: Awesome. 

Wife: Then God said, let us make human beings in our image to be like us.

Husband: Who's our? 

Wife: , I'm guessing that he means the royal we. Or, remember we had a pastor one time? 

Husband: Or there's like 

the, the son the ghost, and the holy spirit or something like that. 

Wife: Okay, 

there's that. The trinity is called the holy trinity. And then we had a pastor one time. 

Husband: the holy ghost. That's what it is. 

Wife: We had a pastor one time that, , talked about how God had a man face on one side and a woman face on the other side.

And that's what he meant when he made man in his image. But I mean, that sounds so weird [00:11:00] and I've never read anything like that in the Bible. Not that I've read a lot of the Bible. So like, 

Husband: maybe we'll get to that 

part later. 

Wife: Um, okay. 

Husband: I don't know. 

Wife: I, I don't know either. 

Husband: That's why we're reading this. 

Wife: Sure.

Husband: Yeah. 

Wife: Then God said, let us make human beings in our image to be like us. They will reign over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, the livestock, all the wild animals on the earth, and the small animals that scurry along the ground. 

Husband: Thank God we finally got somebody for that livestock. 

Wife: To rule them. 

Husband: I probably shouldn't have said thank God.

But I mean technically that's correct I guess. 

Wife: I mean 

technically. 

Husband: Yeah. 

Wife: So God created human beings in his own image. I like how he's either like the royal we or totally a man. 

Husband: Right. 

Wife: Definitely not a woman. 

Husband: Yeah. Oh yeah. 

Wife: Or a triangle. 

Husband: Woman is right out. 

Wife: Woman is right out. Yeah. So, so far we've got Alaska, we've got evolution, and we've got woman.

Right. And those are all right out. 

Husband (2): Yep. 

Wife: In the image of God, He created them, [00:12:00] male and female, He created them, except He hasn't made a woman yet. Then God blessed them and said, Be fruitful and multiply, fill the earth and govern it. Reign over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, and all the animals that scurry along the ground.

So, everybody has male and female, except for humans. Right now it's just man's 

Husband: got it, but they're alluding to the fact that there's going to be a female 

Wife: right But as of this, whatever, day six or whatever, 

Husband: there's not a woman. 

Wife: There's 

not a woman because women's are right out. 

Husband: Right. But we're in charge of everything.

Apparently, 

Wife: you better not even try that shit on me. 

Husband: I was just saying human beings were in charge of everything. He said human beings were in charge of everything. And, you know, 

Wife: clearly he met. 

Husband: I think we get to the part where the men are in charge later, but. We'll cover that. 

Wife: But clearly 

he meant all the mans.

Husband: Well yeah. Cause we're awesome. You know. 

Wife: You cannot even find the butter in the fridge. I don't want to hear it. Then God said, Look! He said it just like [00:13:00] that too. 

Husband: Did he? 

Wife: I have given you every seed bearing plant throughout the earth and all the fruit trees for your food And I have given every green plant as food for all the wild animals the birds in the sky And the small animals that scurry along the ground everything that has life and that is what happened Then god looked over all he had made and he saw that it was very good and evening passed the morning came Marking the sixth day.

Husband: That was the sixth day. 

Wife: Yep, and that was the end of chapter one. 

Husband: Okay

Wife: Okay, so Genesis chapter 2. Ready? 

Husband: I am ready. 

Wife: So the creation of the heavens and the earth was everything in them completed. On the seventh day, God had finished his work of creation, so he rested from all his work. 

Husband: So you're telling me God didn't invent skyscrapers? 

Wife: No, but he probably cracked a beer that good day, I can tell you.

Husband: He didn't invent sports? 

Wife: We're not there yet. 

Husband: I know, but it's Sunday. 

Wife: We're not. No, [00:14:00] actually, if you want to get It's 

Husband: the seventh day. I'm sorry. 

Wife: It's Saturday. 

Husband: I'm sorry. Oh. Wait, what? 

Wife: The 

Jews celebrate Saturday as the holy day, as the seventh day. And they have it right. I mean, if we say that the week begins on a Sunday 

Husband: Right.

Right. 

Wife: Saturday is the seventh day. 

Husband: But some people start 

the week on Mondays. 

Wife: They do. , those people are weird. 

Husband: Okay. 

Wife: They are like really into productivity. On the seventh day. Oh, yeah, he rested blah blah blah and God blessed the seventh day and declared it Holy because it was the day when he rested from all his work of creation.

So either Saturday or seven Saturday or Sunday is really really Holy. 

Husband: I got it. 

Wife: Man in the Garden of Eden. Are you ready? 

Husband: I'm ready. 

Wife: Okay. This is the account of the creation of the heavens and the earth. The man and woman in Eden, when the Lord God made the earth and the heavens, neither wild plants nor grains were growing on the earth.

So, okay, we're doing a rewind then. 

Husband: Yeah, apparently like we're, we're only in chapter two and we're doing like a [00:15:00] flashback. 

Wife: It's a flashback. It's totally a flashback because he's going back to like day, what, five, four? 

Husband: Something like that, yeah. 

Wife: Yeah. For the Lord God had not yet sent rain to water the earth and there were no people to cultivate the soil.

Hold on. He made man on like 

Husband: You think 

he invented snow? Because he mentioned rain, but not snow. 

Wife: I don't know, but I have bigger fish to fry because he's saying that he had not yet sent rain to water the earth. So, there's no rain and water, but yet, he did make those before he made man. 

Husband: Right. I mean, you know, your plants wouldn't completely die in just like a day or two.

Wife: But he made all these plants, and he made all this water, and then he made man last, but now he's saying, just kidding. 

Husband: Oh. Oh. 

Wife: You see what I'm saying? 

Husband: Timelines are screwed up. 

Wife: Yeah, like this chronology is crack. 

Husband: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 

Wife: Okay. Instead, springs came up from the ground and watered all the [00:16:00] land. Oh, maybe I was wrong.

Husband: Okay. 

Wife: Then the Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground. What? Okay. 

Husband: I thought we were like 90 percent water. 

Wife: I don't know. 

Husband: But we made, 

apparently we made it dust too. 

Wife: I'm really confused in all this. 

Husband: Okay. 

Wife: I gotta be honest. This isn't making a lot of sense. 

Husband: Right. 

Wife: He breathed the breath of life into the man's nostrils and the man became living person.

Husband: Hmm.

Wife: Do you feel alive when I breathe Dorito breath on your face?

Then the Lord God planted a garden in Eden in the east, and there he placed the man he had made. I see where this is going. 

Husband: So, I see, this goes well with my theory that he's a vegan. Because he planted the garden, that was like one of the first things he did. After creating all the things. 

Wife: I mean, really, we don't require 

Husband: Hey 

darling, your Dr.

Pepper's done. 

Wife: Alexa, stop! [00:17:00] I put Alex, no, I put Dr. Pepper in the freezer and then I put a timer on to tell me when I should take, 

Husband: you know, let's get back to the Bible, 

Wife: the Dr. Pepper out of the freezer. Okay. So anyway, I was saying that veganism is actually a good lifestyle choice because we don't specifically require meat.

, protein, yes. Meat no. So I can see that. 

Husband: Right, right. Okay. 

Wife: That makes sense. I don't, I don't oppose that. 

Husband: Okay. 

Wife: The Lord God made all sorts of trees grow up from the ground, trees that were beautiful and that produced delicious fruit. In the middle of the garden, he placed the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

Oh, this just, I see where this is going and it's already ticking me off. 

Husband: Well, because 

we already know some of this. It's pretty common knowledge. 

Wife: Why did he put him there? 

Husband: He's an asshole. That's what I think. 

Wife: Okay. I just, I know where it's going and it's making me very angry. 

Husband: Right, right. 

Wife: A river flowed from the [00:18:00] land of Eden, watering the garden and then dividing into four branches.

The first branch called the Pishon flowed around the entire land of Havilah 

Husband: You're 

definitely gonna have to forgive us if we pronounce these wrong. 

Wife: Yeah, where gold is found. I don't, I don't know how to pronounce stuff, but what I want to know is, okay, so gold was found there. Why is that noteworthy?

Because let's be honest. 

Husband: Right. Why are we gold? That doesn't matter. Yeah. Not, not right now. 

Wife: Why is gold specifically better than any other rock or metal found in the ground? 

Husband: Right. 

Wife: To early man. 

Husband: Yeah, 

that's dumb. 

Wife: The man that just had God's breath breathed up into his nose. 

Husband: Right. They haven't even invented tools yet.

Wife: I know. 

Husband: Which they would need, you know, to get the gold. 

Wife: And then societies care about gold for trade, but. 

Husband: Right. 

There's not really an, any intrinsic worth in it. 

Wife: Well, and let's, let's talk about trade. Like, what do they need to trade? Right. Right. The ground provides everything for them. 

Husband: Right, right. So why would you need gold?

Wife: They're in Eden. 

Husband: It's like he's preparing for them to screw up and be [00:19:00] dumb. 

Wife: Yeah. 

Husband: That's dumb. 

Wife: That's mean. 

Husband: Yeah. 

Wife: God is mean. 

Husband: Yeah. 

Wife: So niceness right out. 

Husband: Like if you didn't want them to screw 

up, why would you provide them every opportunity to screw up? 

Wife: Right? Pandora's box much? 

Husband: That's stupid. 

Wife: Yeah. The gold of that land is exceptionally pure, 

Husband: which 

Wife: again, doesn't matter to me.

Aromatic resin and onyx stone are also found there. 

Husband: What is aromatic resin? 

Wife: It is resin that smells really, really good. The second branch, called the Gihon, float around the entire land of Kush. 

Husband: Sure. 

Wife: The third branch called the Tigress. 

Husband: I know 

that one 

Wife: flowed east of the land of Asher Aser Asher. 

Husband: Sure.

Wife: A-S-S-H-U-R. Ask her. That's what I said. That's awesome, Asher. 

Husband: I love it. 

Wife: The fourth branch is called the Euphrates. 

Husband: I know that one too. . 

Wife: Okay, so we've got the Ts [00:20:00] Tigress 

Husband: and the Euphrates and the 

Wife: Euphrates. And I know there's, 

Husband: that's over 

there in the Middle East Street land's. 

Wife: Fertile Crescent over there. 

Husband: Ooh, that's 

Wife: where the Eden is.

Awesome. The Garden of Eden. 

Husband: Yeah. We should totally go visit. 

Wife: I bet it's not there anymore. 

Husband: Oh shit. 

Wife: The Lord God placed the man in the Garden of Eden to tend and watch over it. Do you think the watch over it means don't fuck it up. 

Husband: I don't know. I mean, if he wanted a really good salad all the time, then maybe that's why I put him there.

So you could get a really good salad. 

Wife: Okay. But if he says just watch it, that means just like sit on his front porch and be like, that cool, that cool. But if he's watching over it, then he's like, 

Husband: it would also 

imply that something could go wrong. 

Wife: Yeah. 

Husband: In this perfect garden of Eden. 

Wife: He's like, don't let those voles build hills and tunnels in that backyard Eden.

Husband: Right. 

Right. Is he going to like, yeah. What's going to go wrong? 

Wife: I 

don't know. 

Husband: Okay. 

Wife: It's not very Eden ish. 

Husband: Right. 

Wife: But the Lord God warned him, you may freely eat the fruit of [00:21:00] every tree in the garden except. The tree of the knowledge of good and evil. If you eat its fruit, you are sure to die. 

Husband: That's dumb.

Why would you put something that's going to kill them? 

Wife: I'm God. I'm going to, on purpose, drop up a poison bomb in the middle of this garden just to see if you do it or not. 

Husband: Right? Yeah. That's stupid. 

Wife: That's like if I bring home, um, a bag of sweet tart ropes and I'm like, Abby, you can have everything in this house, but don't touch those sweet tart ropes.

Husband: Cause they're going to kill you. 

Wife: Do you think that she will avoid the sweet tart ropes? 

Husband: Well, if we said they're going to kill her, then yeah. 

Wife: Except that she loves. Unless 

Husband: she thought we were joking. 

Wife: But she loves sweet tart ropes. 

Husband: And it matters whether she thinks we're joking or not. 

Wife: You 

know what? What was God's tone of voice when he said it?

Husband: I don't know. That matters. 

Wife: That matters. It really does. 

Then the Lord God said, it is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him. 

Husband: What day are we at right now? 

Wife: Oh, [00:22:00] um, we passed all the days and now we're like doing our flashback. Okay. 

Husband: All right. 

Wife: So the Lord God formed from the ground all the wild animals and all the birds of the sky.

So whatever day that was. 

Husband: Okay. 

Wife: I don't remember five or six. 

Husband: Got it. 

Wife: He brought them to the man to see what he would call them. And the man chose a name for each one. He gave names to all the livestock, but wait, I thought he made those animals, the birds and the sea and whatever before man. But now he's saying he made man and then he made the fishes and the birds.

Husband: He's saying 

he brought them to him. 

Wife: No, 

he said, so the Lord God formed from the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would call them. 

Husband: It doesn't 

say what day, it just says that he did that. 

Wife: It's 

rather misleading. 

Husband: Well, but I have to ask though, because there's still scientists out there discovering new species every day.

Did, did Adam name all these species that are still being, because it seems like a really tedious task. Project to [00:23:00] name all of the bugs 

Wife: like there's millions of 

Husband: there's 

millions of that you'd be there for a 

Wife: no God did not invent bugs yet. 

Husband: Oh, he didn't 

Wife: no just animals and the fishes 

Husband: Does he cover that later?

Like does he cover making bugs later? 

Wife: I mean, I haven't read the Bible so I could be wrong, but I don't think he talks about bugs 

Husband: Well, but I you would have to assume that there's bugs at this point though. 

Wife: Well, why would you assume anything? 

Husband: Well, because he said he rested, he was done on the seventh day.

So that means he created everything that needs to be created. And then if he created everything, that means he created bugs. 

Wife: I think you're making a lot of assumptions. 

Husband: I 

am because there's a lot of freaking holes in this shit. 

Wife: Well, there are a lot of holes. I will give you that. He, meaning Dude, gave names to all the livestock.

Husband: Dude, 

meaning Adam? 

Wife: We haven't named him yet. He's just a man. 

Husband: Okay, 

that guy. 

Wife: He's 

Dude. 

Husband: Dude. 

Wife: Dude gave names to all the livestock, all the birds in the sky, and all the wild animals. But, still, there was no helper, just right for him. 

Husband: [00:24:00] Oh, man. He didn't want the horse? 

Wife: The man was so lonely and sad. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep.

Ominous music plays. While the man slept, the Lord God took out one of the man's ribs and closed Closed up the opening. 

Husband: Sorry. What an 

asshole. 

Wife: This took a dark turn. 

Husband: Probably shouldn't have taken his son's name in vain. 

Wife: Okay. But 

Husband: as we're reading the Bible, 

Wife: let me 

just reiterate that he took out one of the man's ribs and closed up.

Husband: That is a dick thing to do 

Wife: How did he close it up? 

Husband: I don't know, it must be like God LASIK. 

Wife: God LASIK? 

Husband: Yeah, like LASIK surgery, like they do in your eyes. Like, zip, zip, zip, zip, 

zip. 

Wife: So you don't think he just made a needle right quick out of all that gold, maybe? 

Husband: Maybe. 

Wife: Or the smelly good onyx? 

Husband: I'm going with the God LASIK, though.

Because, I mean, dude didn't even wake up. Like, he's asleep. He fell asleep. And he takes his freaking ribs out? A rib out. I'm sorry. Whatever. [00:25:00] Yeah. He's just like, it's like God, it's like Superman beams coming from God's eyes. Yeah. He's totally done like in and out. 

Wife: Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib and he brought her to the man.

I see where this is going. I'm not, I'm not happy. At last, the man exclaimed, this one is bone from my bone and flesh from my flesh, bone She will be called woe man because she was taken from man. 

Husband: What does the woe mean though? 

Wife: Woe unto you. This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife and the two are united into one.

Husband: Is that what it explains? 

Wife: I don't think that explained any of that. 

Husband: Okay. 

Wife: I mean, I must have missed some comprehension there. 

Husband: Right, I think 

there was a bad, poor lead up here to this. 

Wife: I think that there was like an entire paragraph or maybe even chapter missing. 

Husband: Yeah. [00:26:00] 

Wife: Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.

Husband: It's like a porno back in, you know, early days. 

Wife: Well, yeah, but that's the end of chapter two. 

Husband: Oh, okay. 

Wife: Bow bow.

Okay, so Genesis chapter 3. 

Husband: Yay! 

Wife: It's subtitled, Man's Disobedience. 

Husband: Damn man. 

Wife: Damn the man. 

Husband: Damn the man. 

Wife: The serpent! 

Husband: Serpents are assholes. Although, we just got a serpent, so I can't really call him an asshole. 

Wife: Is there a difference between serpents and snakes? 

Husband: I don't 

know. 

Wife: That is a good question, I think, because if, like, I know that there's such a thing as legless lizards, which are different from snakes, and I would never have known that.

Husband: Right. I mean, serpent to me is like, You know, the Harry Potter serpent that comes and like attacks Harry Potter. 

Wife: But is it a serpent or is it a snake? I don't know. I don't either. [00:27:00] The serpent was the shrewdest of all the wild animals the Lord God had made. One day, he asked the woman, Did God really say you must not eat the fruit from any of the trees in the garden?

Husband: Sounds like he's angling for something here. 

Wife: Um, I think you're right. 

Husband: I said he was shrewd, so, he's pretty shrewd. 

Wife: What does he get out of it? 

Husband: I don't know. 

Wife: Okay. 

Husband: To be shrewd. 

Wife: Of course we may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, the woman replied. 

Husband: Are you trying to do Eden's voice? 

Wife: Well, I want to separate from my voice.

Husband: Okay. 

Wife: Because she's dumb. 

Husband: Okay. 

Wife: It's only the fruit from the tree in the middle of the garden that we are not allowed to eat. God said you must not eat it or even touch it. If you do, you will die. 

Husband: Wait, you 

can't even touch it? 

Wife: And 

okay, let's be fair for a minute here. Did God actually tell her that or is she just repeating what Adam told her?

Husband: Because 

I only recall Adam being around when he told her when he told him when he told 

Wife: when 

God [00:28:00] told Adam, 

Husband: Adam was the only one because it was before he took his damn rib out of his body. 

Wife: So here's the thing. Like has. He's even met God yet, or is she like that Adam? He's always telling stories 

Husband: right 

and then like how trustworthy is a man 

Wife: not at all I I know men Even the men I love most in my life are not all that good at repeating stories.

You won't die The serpent replied to the woman. 

Husband: How does he know? 

Wife: I have no idea. That's why 

Husband: You think he's trying to kill 

off God's creation. Or is he just like, does he really know that it won't kill him? 

Wife: I mean, honestly, I don't know. That's why I want to know the difference between a serpent and a snake, because all the snakes that I know do not talk.

Husband: Okay. Yeah. I mean me either. I don't know what he's talking snakes. 

Wife: So serpents are snakes that talk 

Husband: possibly 

Wife: Narnia style. 

Husband: Apparently. 

Wife: Do you think animals used to talk? 

Husband: Maybe. Maybe. [00:29:00] I mean, God said that he told them to be fruitful and multiply, so like, maybe he was talking to them. Maybe they talked back then.

Wife: But maybe he was like Harry Potter style telling them like, 

Husband: like Slytherin, 

Wife: yeah, 

like, do things that I tell you. Okay, God knows that your eyes will be opened as soon as you eat it, and you will be like God, knowing both good and evil. 

Husband: But 

they don't even have, like, envy at this point, so, like, how could they want to be like God?

Wife: I don't know. 

Husband: Why would that 

be something that they would 

Wife: I don't know, but according to the Bible, ready the woman was convinced. 

Husband: Oh, that was a real easy sell. 

Wife: Right? Like, um 

Husband: That 

snake should totally go into car sales. 

Wife: Like, what would convince you to eat something that your spouse told you, don't fucking eat that?

Husband: I 

Wife: mean, it tastes really good. That would convince me. 

Husband: Definitely would 

not be a talking serpent. 

Wife: Okay. But it depends on what the talking serpent [00:30:00] says. Cause like, if the talking serpent is like, you're going to know everything. 

Husband: I mean, I guess 

he was promising godlike powers. So. 

Wife: I just, I don't know that God like powers would be convincing to me, but I mean, I'm a foodie.

So seriously, if he was like, it tastes so good. It 

Husband: really, what does Eden know of God like powers? 

Wife: You mean Eve 

Husband: Eve. Oh yeah. Garden of Eden Eve. My bad. What does Eve know of? Godlike powers anyway, because she wasn't even there when God like ripped out Adam's ribs to get to her 

Wife: with his, 

LASIK 

Husband: and all that kind of shit.

So, 

Wife: yeah, I don't know. I just have so many questions. 

Husband: Was God 

like performing miracles all the time in the garden of Eden? 

Wife: Those are not mentioned. 

Husband: Okay. All right. 

Wife: She saw that the tree was beautiful and its fruit looked delicious and she wanted the wisdom it would give her. So she took some of the fruit and ate it.

Then she gave to some to her husband who was with her. 

Husband: Wait, he was with her this whole time? Wait, the snake, okay, they both heard God [00:31:00] talk and 

Wife: no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, 

Husband: only Adam heard God talk, but apparently Eve knew about it. And, and Adam was there with Eve when the snake told Eve to 

Wife: eat 

Husband: this. And then he ate with her.

So like, he didn't stop or he didn't say anything, didn't speak up. 

Wife: So he's the one that specifically heard God first person. 

Husband: Like if you're the 

one that's like, if he was really worried about it, A, he wouldn't have eaten it, right? B, don't you think you would have spoke up and been like, yo, um, I don't want to die.

Wife: This sounds like a really bad plan. 

Husband: Dudes. Let's like, let's chill here for a minute. Let's talk about this. 

Wife: Let's talk about this. Exactly. But he's like, okay. At that moment, their eyes were opened and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. 

Husband: Their eyes were open. I mean, like 

Wife: the third 

eyes 

Husband: doesn't 

shame.

Like, okay. Shame would require something, someone to be shameful from, wouldn't it? 

Wife: It's just the two of them when you're embarrassed and other people [00:32:00] might know. 

Husband: And maybe because the snakes talk, they're embarrassed to be naked in front of the snake. 

Wife: I hate it when the 

Husband: serpent, 

Wife: I hate it when the serpent sees me.

naked 

Husband: Damn serpents always seeing me naked. 

Wife: Because really they only have each other. And are you embarrassed to be naked in front of your spouse? 

Husband: No, that's stupid. 

Wife: That is kind of stupid. I mean, 

Husband: I mean, shit, she's 

got his rib. 

Wife: She does have his rib. But let me just say, maybe there are some married couples that don't like being naked in front of each other.

And we are not ones to shame. I'm just saying. 

Husband: Okay, All right So, shame. 

Their eyes were open and the first thing that happens is shame. Got it. 

Wife: And they were embarrassed of each other. 

Husband: That's the 

first thing that happens is shame. Shame. 

Wife: Shame. Shame. So they sewed fig leaves. See, I think God did have needles.

Husband: Wait, wait. 

So they have God like powers because they ate the fruit. And they had to sew fig leaves for clothes? They couldn't just, like, materialize the shit? Because, I mean, God created the whole fuckin planet. 

Wife: No, they just [00:33:00] had knowledge. 

Husband: Oh. 

Wife: They didn't have powers, they just had knowledge. 

Husband: So they didn't have knowledge before?

Wife: No, they had Goddy knowledge. 

Husband: Okay. So they were just like, 

Wife: so they were like, boom, I'm naked. And now I know how to sew. So they sewed big leaves together to cover themselves. Okay. When the cool evening breezes were blowing the man and his wife, not the woman and her husband heard the Lord God walking about in the garden.

Boom. 

Boom. 

Husband: Is that what you imagined? It sounded like, 

Wife: how old do you hear? 

Husband: It wasn't like a 

rustling. Okay. 

Wife: Oh, he could have been a rustling 

Husband: a scuffle 

Wife: How big was the garden that they heard him ruffle rustling though? How 

Husband: big do you suppose god was like was he like towering over them Was he this I guess he made us in his image.

So he's probably the same size as us 

Wife: Yeah, so like there's this dude walking around in this garden and they heard him So how big is the garden and what kind of noises was God making 

Husband: it's between the tiger Well, they don't say how much of the region between the Tigris and Euphrates So it could be just like a small ass little [00:34:00] garden, 

Wife: right?

Right. So I mean if it's a small garden rustling if it's a big garden boom So they hid from the Lord God among the trees then the Lord God called to the man who Where are you? 

Husband: That's 

a great God voice by the way. 

Wife: He replied, I heard you working in the garden so I hid. I was afraid because I was naked. 

Husband: Is this Adam's voice now?

That's 

Wife: Adam. 

Husband: OK 

Wife: I love voicing characters. 

Husband: Yeah. 

Wife: And I decided that Adam is a dumbo so he must be like a redneck kind of guy. Like, he's totally got a confederate flag. 

Husband: Do you think God 

gave them a reason to be scared? 

Wife: I mean, they're naked. 

Husband: Right. I mean, but they got fig leaves now 

Wife: and they did disobey him, 

Husband: right?

But they have fig leaves now. So they're not, but like, 

Wife: so, okay. So they're no longer naked, but they know they did something bad. 

Husband: Okay. All right. 

Wife: They did something so 

Husband: scared because they have guilt that God doesn't know about right now, even though [00:35:00] he's all powerful. 

Wife: And then guilt. 

Husband: He only has two people to keep track of at this point.

You 

Wife: had one job. 

Husband: He doesn't even know that they ate from the death tree. 

Wife: Oh, he knows. That's why he's walking. 

Husband: all right all right 

Wife: So, okay, so he's afraid because they were naked. Who told you that you were naked? The Lord God asked. 

Husband: You sound like 

a wailing banshee God. 

Wife: No! 

A wailing banshee would be like, ahhh!

Husband: Okay. All right 

Wife: Okay. Have you eaten from the tree whose fruit I commanded you not to eat? 

Husband: You're right, he totally knows. 

Wife: The man replied, It's the woman you gave me who gave me the fruit, and I ate it. 

Husband: Maybe you shouldn't talk like that. It's hard to understand you. 

Wife: Okay. So here's what he said. It was the woman you gave me who gave me the fruit and I ate it.

Husband: What a dick, 

Wife: right? 

Husband: He was passing off the blame. He was right there [00:36:00] when this whole thing happened right 

Wife: there. And he threw her under the fucking bus, like nothing. Then the Lord, God, as the woman

What have you

done serpent deceived me. She replied, That's why I the hate it, the 

Husband: passing the buck. Blame it on somebody else. 

Wife: It sounds like there's a hole in the bucket. . There Henry. There Henry. And it just keeps like getting passed on and passed on. 

Husband: Right, right. I mean the guy, the guy blamed the woman. The woman blames the serpent.

Wife: Right. 

Husband: Like's nobody's fault apparently. 

Wife: Except I say it's, it ends where it starts. God puts the tree there. Right? He puts the damn thing there. Yeah. Yeah. Now, there are some people who say he put it there on purpose because he wanted all this to happen. 

Husband: Right, so, but he's gonna like punish him here and shit.

Wife: I know so 

Husband: Let's see what he does. 

Wife: I'm a little resentful What he 

Husband: does cuz so far is like a dick move. 

Wife: Yeah on the man's part. Oh my god [00:37:00] We're not God's part. Yeah, stupid. No, I don't blame the woman. Okay. All 

Husband: right She didn't eat the fruit that was not supposed to be eaten 

Wife: But she only heard not to eat the fruit because her husband who was dumb You Told her, Hey, this God guy said, don't eat that.

I 

Husband: mean, we're assuming because there's large gaps in this so far, 

Wife: right? But based on the information I've been given, she has never spoken with God, but she has spoken with a snake, 

Husband: right. Right. 

Wife: And her husband who cannot find the butter in the fridge. 

Husband: Yeah. 

Wife: So I'm just saying, if I was faced with my husband telling me something or a snake comes up to me and tells me something.

It's 50 50. I could go either way. I'm believing my husband or the snake. 

Husband: Okay. 

Wife: Okay. Then the Lord God said to the serpent, Because you have done this, you are cursed more than all the other animals, domestic and wild. You will crawl on your belly, groveling in the dust as long as you [00:38:00] live. And I will cause hostility between you and the woman and between your offspring and her offspring.

He will strike your head and you will strike his heel. 

Husband: I mean, dude got rid of his legs, apparently. 

Wife: Do you think serpents had legs? 

Husband: I mean, he's making them crawl on his belly. 

Wife: Well, okay. So there's snakes, there's serpents with legs, and then there's serpents without legs, and then there's legless snakes. 

Husband: I don't know.

I don't know. That's I don't think they knew what was going on. What was going on here? Cause I don't think, and like, is it just that snake or like, obviously he's saying like, he's punishing that one snake or serpent. I'm sorry, serpent. 

Wife: No serpent had a wife too, 

Husband: right. But like he's punishing not just that one.

Serpent. But, like, all of that serpent's future progeny. 

Wife: Yeah. 

Husband: And 

Wife: Snake bad forever. 

Husband: [00:39:00] That's crazy. And, like, is his snake wife somewhere, like, just, like, lost its legs and, like, shit! What happened? 

Wife: He's like, God damn it, I told him. 

Husband: What do he do now? 

Wife: I told him not to fuck with those people. Then he said to the woman.

I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy, and in pain you will give birth. Hold on, this just escalated. 

Husband: Why? Why does anybody worship this dude? I mean, he just made birth painful. 

Wife: And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you. 

Husband: Do you desire to control me? 

Wife: No, I desire you. Wait, wait, wait, 

Husband: no, they said you will desire to control me.

Wife: No, he just said that to the woman. 

Husband: I know. You're the woman. 

Wife: I'm not that woman. 

Husband: Do I control you? 

Wife: Fuck no. Better not try either. No, he's just talking to them. He just said woman your pain in your pregnancy is gonna be bad Okay, and your pain when [00:40:00] you give birth is gonna be bad and you're gonna wish you could control Adam But guess what Adam he gonna roll over you So 

Husband: there it is misogyny right there.

Wife: Yep. So we've got like 

Husband: it's in the Bible 

Wife: I know we've like from the the first three chapters. We've got guilt shame and Misogyny, 

Husband: that's awesome. Yeah, this is like great great I love this story. So far. 

Wife: And to the man he said, Since you listened to your wife and ate from the tree, whose fruit I commanded you not to eat, the ground is cursed because of you.

Husband: So now he's cursing the ground. But not the man. He's cursing the ground. No, 

Wife: he is, ready? All your life you will struggle to scratch a living from it. 

Husband: Tell that to Jeff Bezos. 

Wife: But he's not Adam. He just says, All you, you're Adam. All your life. So, Adam got a struggle. It will grow thorns and thistles for you, though you will eat of its grains.

By the sweat [00:41:00] of your brow, Will you have food to eat until you return to him? The ground from which you were made, that's just, yeah, for you were made from Dustin to dust. You will be too . 

Husband: You do a really shitty voice. 

Wife: I think that God is really shitty and he, he does not deserve my best. 

Husband: Okay. All right.

Wife: Then the man, Adam, named his wife Eve because she would be the mother of all who live. 

Husband: Hold on a second. He named her after God basically punished her. Like, he waited until this moment when God's punishing them to name her Eve. 

Wife: Oh, by the by. Your name's Eve. Your name's 

Husband: Eve, yeah. I was up. Oh, that's because he rules over her.

Yeah. So he gets to name her. 

Wife: Yeah. 

Husband: It just occurred to me. 

Wife: So he's like 

Husband: Like, Eve doesn't get to pick her name. 

Wife: No. No. No, 

Husband: no, it's, it's, he's 

Wife: like, you made me eat an apple by, by being by me and being convinced and saying, eat [00:42:00] some. And so for that, your name is going to be Eve, which eventually will mean like the first.

And so I'm going to go ahead and name you something, which eventually will mean something so that it already means something, 

Husband: right? That's dumb. 

Wife: I'm going to continue. This is dumb. 

Husband: Yeah. 

Wife: And the Lord God made clothing from animal skins for Adam and his wife. 

Husband: So like at this point, there's only like two of every animal.

Did he like kill off an entire species just to make clothing for them? Is that where the fucking unicorns went? 

Wife: I, but I gotta say something like he killed animals, 

Husband: right? God's like, he's a real dickhead. 

Wife: He is not nice. He is not good. 

Husband: I don't like this guy. 

Wife: I don't like this guy. Okay. And the Lord God made clothing from animal skin for Adam and his wife.

Then the Lord God said, [00:43:00] look, The human beings have become like us, the royal we, knowing both good and evil. What if they reach out, take fruit from the Tree of Life and eat it? Then they will live forever, and God knows we can't have that! So the Lord God banished them from the Garden of Eden. Hold on. 

Husband: So he made this perfect garden and then just like, I mean this is like, in no time flat he's like, Never mind, see ya, peace out.

Wife: Right, so he's like, here's a garden, here's a man in this garden, here's some trees, don't eat of it. Oh my god, they ate one, they might eat the other, oh no, that never occurred to me before, y'all get out. 

Husband: And like you fuck up once. 

Wife: One time. One time, and you're doomed. 

Husband: You're doomed. This guy has no like So 

Wife: the Lord God banished them from the Garden of Eden and he sent Adam out to cultivate the ground from which he had been made.

After sending them out, the Lord God stationed mighty cherubim [00:44:00] to the east of the Garden of Eden. Is 

Husband: cherubim like an angel thing? Yeah, 

Wife: it's like those, you know, like in Roman art, Greek and Roman art, it's like the little baby angels. Like the chubby little like Cupid. 

Husband: Is he going to shoot you with his arrow?

If you try to get in? 

Wife: I I don't know. I mean i'm telling you what cherubim are based on my understanding 

Husband: Okay, 

Wife: and my understanding is shaky at best 

Husband: got it 

Wife: And he placed a flaming sword that flashed back and forth to guard the way to the tree of life 

Husband: So a giant flaming flashing sword that waves back and forth I mean, that should be totally easy to find on Google Maps.

Wife: Vroom. Vroom. 

Husband: We can see the whole planet. How are we missing a tiny, how are we missing a giant flashing sword? 

Wife: I mean, that's a good question, and there's cherubims out there. It's 

Husband: not like he said he hit it, he just guarded it. 

Wife: Right? So, hypothetically, if we go to the Tigris and Euphrates and those other two rivers, like, 

Husband: Somewhere between where there's a giant flashing, waving, Vroom.

Flaming sword. 

Wife: [00:45:00] There's a flaming sword and cherubim. 

Husband: Yeah, somewhere. 

Wife: So we should totally go there someday. 

Husband: There's a lot of strife going on over there like, you know, 

Wife: and also airplanes and you know what? I would 

Husband: have thought it would have been found by now. Like just being honest like, you know, 

Wife: you can't miss a flaming sword Yeah, that's on google maps.

Husband: That's totally yeah, 

Wife: like google earth like you can zoom in 

Husband: right? Yeah. 

Wife: Yeah Yeah 

Husband: Yeah. 

Wife: This story is not off to a good start. 

Husband: Is there more? 

Wife: No. That's the end of chapter three. 

Husband: Oh. Okay. Well, so that's it for this week then, huh? 

Wife: Yeah. 

Husband: Okay. Well. I don't think this is the greatest book. 

Wife: I don't either, but shall we keep reading?

Maybe it gets better. 

Husband: Well, yeah. I mean, obviously the relevance of this book overall is very relevant to life because there's so many people that abide by and take this at its word. So. Yes, we should definitely keep reading. 

Wife: But what if we get through the entire thing and it still sucks? 

Husband: I have no doubt that it's still going to suck, [00:46:00] but that's why we're reading it and making fun of it because it makes it that much more fun.

Wife: Have you ever read the Bible? 

Husband: Nope. 

Wife: Me neither. 

Husband: That's why this is fun. 

Wife: It is. 

Husband: All right, well, we will see you in a week. We think, I don't know, this is kind of new to us. So, we're kind of playing with time frames and this is our first episode so, you know, don't like yell at us and shit if we don't get that right.

Wife: Like maybe next week? So like maybe next 

Husband: week? Question mark. Yeah. Okay. I don't know. Husband. But we'll see you at some point soon. 

Wife: Husband. 

Husband: Wife. 

Wife: See you 

Husband: next week. See you next week.

Wife: Husband. 

Husband: Yeah, wife. 

Wife: Um, it's the end so we should say all the things. 

Husband: We definitely should say all the things. So we want people to get a hold of us and there's ways that they can do that. 

Wife: So one of those ways I [00:47:00] know is email. What's that email address? 

Husband: sacreligiousdiscourseatgmail. com 

Wife: And they should do that by 5 Eastern on Sundays if they want their question to be included in our new survey.

Tuesday Q& A episodes every week. 

Husband: Yeah, I'm really looking forward to hearing from some of our fans, for sure. 

Wife: Yeah, me too. They can also 

Husband: get a hold of us on social media. And we have Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and Pinterest. Um, probably the easiest way would be through Twitter at sacreligious underscore D.

Wife: For D's, not still. 

Husband: Yeah, still. 

Wife: Still. 

Husband: I guess. Or 

Wife: dum dum, or doo doo. 

Husband: Yeah, wherever you want to go with that, I guess. 

Wife: Right, right. 

Husband: Okay. 

Wife: Um, yeah, so we have all those things and they should go there. 

Husband: Yeah, they should. 

Wife: Okay. And then, also, what else should they do? They 

Husband: should, like, you know, review us on Apple Podcasts because that really, really helps us out.

And, you know, if you're on any other podcast app, just, like, hit a heart or a like thing or something. 

Wife: A thumbs up [00:48:00] would be nice. Whatever 

Husband: the hell it is, just do it. Okay? Just 

Wife: do it. 

Husband: All right I think that's all we got. 

Wife: Oh, you know what? I have one more thing. Oh, 

Husband: she's got one more thing. 

Wife: Um, thank you so much guys for listening and choosing us to spend your time with.

We really appreciate you all and you are definitely top shelf. 

Husband: Yeah. Honestly, it makes us smile just about every day. 

Wife: Yep.